Grieco is King: Year 3

Good Night, Sweet Grieco

2008-03-07T15:00:00.005-06:00

The Dark Times come fast, my friends. One day you're a telephone psychic and on top of the world, the next day your wife leaves you, she gets shot, you lose your job, and your cat dies. You find yourself living in a cold, bitter wasteland, sleeping on the floor of a furnitureless apartment with nothing but porn, pizza, and the occasional boneless wing to get you through.

Things reach rock bottom for you one early morning at around 4:00 AM. You're walking down the street to the gas station for a pack of smokes and a can of Power Horse when a man easily twice your size grabs you. He says something like, “Give me six fucking dollars.” You know you only have a $20 in your wallet, and that's like a week's worth of food, and there's no way he's getting it. He grabs you again as you try to walk on, and he keeps yelling about six fucking dollars. This time, he doesn't let go of you. There's no way you're giving him the $20, though, so you start talking to him. Soon, you talk him out of mugging you by convincing him that you are as miserable as he is, you hate this place as much as he does, and your woman walked out just like his did. You make him laugh, talk about how things are better in the South, and tell him to come with you to the store. Once you get change from the smokes and the Power Horse, you'll give him the $6.00 he needs. He walks with you, you give him some cash, he says “God Bless You,” and wishes you better days ahead. You do the same, and then walk home. As you crack open your Power Horse, recline on your blanket-bed, and start talking to your one remaining cat, a part of your ceiling collapses. The City, like the house in The Amityville Horror, is telling you to get out.

Eventually, you make it to warmer climes, and the Dark Times slowly give way to the Gray Times. There's less porn, but the pizza isn't nearly as good and you still can't really find a job. You work in a call center, grade standardized tests, and then decide to sell Kias for a living. The man who interviewed you told you he drops more at the titty bar on a Friday night than you make in a month, so you figure it's gotta be great. I mean, you always wanted to sell fucking Kias, didn't you? Of course, you bail before your first day, and commit to another stint of unemployment. But then, you discover that some people will pay you to write from home, which is perfect, because you like to write and you hate wearing pants that aren't flannel.

You meet a lovely girl and the Gray Times start to pass, and you find yourself working from home and watching a lot of bad movies. One day, you decide you'll write about these bad movies, so the People (or your six friends) will also know about them. After some time, you send some of the stuff you've written about these bad movies to a guy, and he says he is willing to pay you decent money to write blogs for a living. You still get to work from home, so you still get to watch many, many bad movies.

After some more time, a company reads some of your stuff and convinces you to move back to your hometown and settle in for a job that will require you to wear real pants as well as write, edit, and manage some blogs. You do it, leaving the bad movies behind. You bitch about it a lot, but you know deep down it's the coolest job you've ever had, and there are moments when you catch yourself with your feet up on your desk, staring out the window of your office at the Dallas skyline, and you think, “In some fucked up way, if it weren't for Grieco, I would never have gotten to where I am right now.”

Thank you all. I couldn't have done it without you. Goodbye.

--#5

A Collection of Griecos

2008-03-06T16:50:00.003-06:00

Over the last year while I was totally dropping the GIK ball, I would catch pieces of movies, read descriptions on the Guide, and see previews that made me think of Grieco and how I needed to get back to it. Of course, I failed. However, before Grieco and I ride off into the sunset, I want you to know about some of these pictures, so that you may see them and tell others of their Glory.

Voyage of the Unicorn
Beau Bridges stumbles around looking utterly bewildered in this mind-blowing made-for-TV LOTR-Potter-Land of the Lost attempt. Even the simplest line is spoken with pure wonderment, like when Beau and family gaze upon a plastic bluish rock and say, “amaaaazing.” Oh, and it’s four hours long. (3 ½-Griecos)

Left Behind 3: World at War
I’m guessing it’s the greatest installment of the greatest GIK series of all time. Lou Gossit, Jr. joins the cast as the President of the United States, Kirk Cameron is still rocking it as GNN correspondent Buck Williams, and the world is totally at war with the Antichrist, Nickolai Carpathia. I will miss you most of all Left Behind movies. (4-Griecos)

Atomic Twister
Amazing title. Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Deputy Jake Hannah. A must-see. (3 ½-Griecos)

All Things Sci-Fi
Don’t think for a second that the Sci-Fi Channel has stopped turning out gems just because GIK stopped covering them. I caught a preview for Ogre the other night while I was watching a bold modern-day Pterodactyl piece. Preview and movie both awesome. (3 ½-Griecos all around.)

I am Legend
OK, this film goes way beyond Grieco, but I have to talk about it. BTS was fired up about it over Christmas, and he told me I had to see it. I wasn’t sold on the idea, but the lovely Sherpa and I finally got around to checking it out at the dollar-movie last week. BTS was totally right. I loved it. Bold as shit. Had dreams about it for three straight nights.

The pictures are out there, people. Keep the dream alive!

Oh Grieeeeco…I’m dy---ing.

Have We Met Before, Monsieur?

2008-03-05T16:20:00.003-06:00

So, this it. We're down to our final three posts. Let's not dwell on the past or focus on the sadness of it all. Instead, let's act as though we are young attractive characters in a movie who have just found out that they will die in three months, so they choose to embrace all the Joy in the world and live each day to its fullest, helping those around them to do the same in the process. Like Campbell Scott in Dying Young, Ali MacGraw in that horrible Love Story, Winona Ryder in Richard Gere is Way too Fucking Old to be My Love Interest, or that guy in that other thing.

On that note, here we go...

Deja Vu
A few weeks ago, I had to go to LA for work (yep, I used to work at home in my pajamas and now I have to fly places for the job. It's fucked up and sad.). On my flight back to Dallas, I cracked open my trusty portable DVD player and put in a movie my mom gave me for Christmas. It was Deja Vu, starring Denzel, the Jewish kid from Dazed and Confused, a hot chick, and a doughy Val Kilmer. It honestly took me a second to realize the man in the over-sized suit was, in fact, Kilmer, but once he brought out the acting chops I was sure.

Deja Vu involves a steamboat explosion, some cops, and the most tenuous time-travel plot/device (not plot device, mind you) you have ever seen. Seriously, I know how whenever you start thinking about a time-travel movie the physics of it all kind of breaks down, but at least the good ones adhere to some set of rules they've established. Other than Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, which is awesome and totally breaks it's own rules for all the right reasons (remember “Remember a trashcan,” anyone?). Anyway, Deja Vu is all over the place time-travel wise. It involves some FBI geniuses and a wormhole and a helmet with a camera mounted on it. For real, there is a helmet-cam that gives you a window into the past.

So, Denzel gets mixed up with Kilmer's rag-tag group of time-traveling agent/scientists and tries to save a dead girl that his time traveling may or may not have caused to die. There are some bold multi-time car chases and some sexy shower scenes, and a lot of Denzel doing his laughing and acting earnest at the same time thing. You know, where he has a toothpick in his mouth, but he's still kind of serious.

Alright, so Denzel has just broken through to the past for real, and he's tracking a killer/bomber and trying to save the dead/live girl, and-- “return your tray tables to their bla bla bla fuck you if you're watching Deja Vu, you're not going to get to finish it...”

The shit landed. I was actually mad about it. This movie was the perfect plane ride picture. Sure, it made no sense and Kilmer seemed bored at best (hopped up at worst), but it was still kind of awesome. I was way into it. Not into it enough to have actually finished it over the past three weeks, but still way into it. I give it 3-Griecos. Could have gone 3 ½, but even Timeline made more sense scientifically speaking.

Alas, poor Grieco! I knew him Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

HOME STALLONE

2007-12-17T17:31:00.000-06:00

TGOGS, like brave Patroclus, has picked up the armor of Grieco, and gone into battle. Thank you valiant TGOGS.

In honor of #5’s heroic journey into the pits of insanity, I undertook a tributary Grieco post by watching four Stallone pictures in 48 hours. If I were truly heroic, I’d have done it in 24, but it didn’t occur to me to do so until day two.

Before I get going, let me just say that the Grumpy Santa tour has been a consistent source of delight, pity, schadenfreude and jaw-dropping wonder thus far, and it’s only 2/3 over. Though I truly fear for Numero Cinquo’s mental and physical safety, and that of those around him, I exalt him for this Herculean endeavor.

So I got this Stallone sampler DVD package at Best Buy (along with a copy of Varsity Blues). Contents: The Specialist, Over the Top, Tango & Cash, Demolition Man.

Aww yeah…

THE SPECIALIST

Mastermind behind the entire operation: Rod Steiger, whose Cuban kingpin character rivals Mickey Rooney’s beloved Chinaman with its subtlety, realism and cultural sensitivity.

AntiStallone: Jimmy Woods, who absolutely carries the picture. Pretty sure Gary Oldman watched this film a few times before he shot The Professional. Stallone and Woods were special ops or DEA or some shit, but Woods went too far and Stallone had to take him down. Now Woods is a crooked cop or FBI or some shit, working with Steiger, and he’s out to take Stallone down. And yell, and crack wise.

Love interst: Sharon Stone’s tits.

Stallone as: Ray Quick, tortured assassin trying to get out of the game. Explosives expert, the best. Mumbler. Lives in a sewer/batcave. Hates knives!

The rundown: Stone (the subtly named “Mae Monroe”) is trying to get Stallone to do a job for her. Before Sharon Stone was a wild-eyed, leathery hag, she was smoking hot. You forget sometimes. The two of them are communicating by telepathy. Or else by phone calls, the audio of which is superimposed over footage of the two of them looking sexy and pensive.

“I heard that you control your explosions, you shape your charges.”

“What I shape and who I shape it for is my business.”

He stalks/falls in love with her, and when she threatens to take on the bad guys all by herself if he won’t help, he finally agrees to do the deed. He’s gonna wipe out these four or so dudes that killed her father when she was a kid (which murder she witnessed from her hiding place in the closet, as evidenced by intermittent blue-tinted flashbacks). And wipe them out he does.

My take: The pyrotechnics are nice. Woods is doing vintage Woods. The whole explosives expert/hit man concept has all the ingredients. But the movie’s about as generic as they come. Even Stallone seems pretty bored throughout, except when he’s putting his paws on Basic Instinct’s bare flesh. There is, however, a nice lesson at the end, when Stone gleefully blows up Steiger herself: revenge killing is the best killing of all. And our heroes kiss and laugh and ride off into the sunset in a convertible.

I’m giving it: 2 ½ Griecos. Awesome and funny in all the ways one would expect, but somehow left me unfulfilled. In fact, I may have actually seen this movie before. I’ve almost forgotten it already.

OVER THE TOP

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Stallone’s past. He’s just tryin to make good.

AntiStallone: Robert Loggia, Stallone’s father-in-law, tan as all get-out. His daughter is dying and he wants custody of the grandkid.

Love interest: The heart and mind of his estranged son.

Stallone as: Lincoln Hawk, regretful trucker, arm wrestler. Mumbler. Ekes out a meager existence in his shitty old truck. Favors the suspenders/t-shirt look.

The rundown: This is an arm wrestling movie. I’m not sure what all else I need to say about it. Stallone is playing Rocky up there. His 10-year-old military school genius son hates him until Sly lets him drive the truck on the highway, then he loves him. Loggia reclaims the kid, and it looks like all is lost, until Stallone wins the big arm wrestling match with his signature move (they call it going “Over the Top”), and gets the money and the new truck and so then he gets to keep the kid. Yay!

My take: If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re really missing out. It’s one of the most absurd things ever put to film. And fully realized, at that. The kickass soundtrack features Sammy Hagar, Eddie Money, Kenny Loggins and the one and only Frank Stallone.

I’m giving it: 4 Griecos! I’m loath to do so as a guest reviewer, but this film simply demands all four. It is a triumph.

TANGO & CASH

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Jack Palance, criminal overlord of L.A. He sets up T&C, getting them behind bars and off the streets so he can run drugs and hang out in his evil genius conference room with impunity. But not for long…

The AntiStallone: The British thug, I suppose. Really, though, it’s Cash, isn’t it? Gabe Cash, the gritty, downtown yin to Tango’s slick, uptown yin. And boy, do these two yins clash, in the most homoerotic shower scene since Top Gun. Cash, as you know, is played by Kurt Russell’s hair.

Love interest: Also Cash. Too bad though, cause Cash loves Tango’s little sister, a permed-to-the-max Teri Hatcher. Uh-oh, Tango ain’t gonna like that!

Stallone as: Ray Tango, yuppie cop who’s in it for the thrill. Wildcard. Mumbler. Also, Russell mimic. When I told a pal I was going to watch this picture, he clued me into the predominant inflectory pattern used by both T&C. It goes something like this: Duh DUH...duh Duh duh Duh duh Duh…(etc.) It’s a wiseguy sort of thing. There should be a drinking game.

The rundown: Tango y Cash are superstar hotshot drug cops who compete for regular front page newspaper coverage. After Palance gets them into the stir, they spend the first half of the movie fighting for their lives and trying to break out. See, they get sent to the wrong prison, the one that houses all the toughs they ever put away, the one with flaming toilet paper raining from the sky and no prisoner supervision whatsoever. But with begrudging teamwork and sheer moxy, they bust out. Free at last, T&C set their sights on Palance, who has legions of underlings, one of whom is Russell’s personal nemesis and is played by James Hong, who also happens to portray Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China. Their explosive mission culminates in a truly ridiculous action sequence, where T&C get this Batmobile cum Hummer from Cash’s crazy underground inventor friend (Lazlo Hollyfeld meets Q (there’s also a boot-gun) ) and they take the vehicle to Palance’s lair, which is situated in the middle of a construction site, and so there’s an extended chase scene/shootout with dirt bikes, pickups, dune buggies, monster trucks and finally, heavy construction equipment. They eventually kill Palance in a nonsensical Enter the Dragon sequence, save Teri Hatcher, clear their names and high five.

My take: You’ve seen this movie, you don’t need my take.

I’m giving it: 3 ½ Griecos. Another high score. I don’t know that a film this popular really qualifies for what this site is all about, so it’s hard go gauge. Depending on how you view it, it could be a 3- or 4-Grieco movie. Add or subtract the extra half-Grieco for this film’s introduction of “F.U.B.A.R.” into the popular lexicon.

DEMOLITION MAN

Mastermind behind the whole operation: Sir Nigel Hawthorne, the corrupt leader of cultish utopia San Angeles (a.k.a. Future L.A.). Or is it a dystopia?

AntiStallone: Blonde Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix, psychopathic criminal extraordinaire.

Love interest: Sandra Bullock, prudish futurecop in a puritanical futureworld, ripe for the plucking.

Stallone as: John Spartan, pastcop, loose cannon. Mumbler. Crazy bastard with nothing to lose.

The rundown: In a somewhat post-apocalyptic 1996, Stallone busts arch-criminal Snipes, supposedly kills some innocents in the process, and they both get the Han Solo treatment. Forty years later, Hawthorn thaws out Snipes, having programmed him with secret codes and kung fu, so that Snipes can be his minion. Snipes is charged with eliminating Dennis Leary, who acts as the de facto leader of a quasi-resistance movement when he’s not busy doing tired “rant” material straight from his standup act. Hawthorne’s future-kingdom is one of liberal fascism – there’s no cussing, no booze, no smokes, no salt, no sex, no violence, constant surveillance. The cops are pussies who’ve never experienced real action. With Snipes on a rampage, there’s only one person who can take him out. So they defrost Stallone and he does just that.

My take: This film suffers from a genre identity crisis. It’s part camp (all restaurants in the future are Taco Bells), part banal social commentary (sex is performed via virtual reality, cause sex is getting too sterile, man, and it’s a slippery slope), and part run-of-the-mill cool future movie (gull-wing doors on all the cars). The banter throughout is on par with any of Stallone’s top pictures - “You’re gonna regret this for the rest of your life. Both seconds of it.” Overall, it’s a pretty big mess. For most of the movie I have no clue what they’re going for, and neither do they. Which is part of the reason I like is so much.

I’m giving it: 3 Griecos. The pseudo-Orwellian future jargon rules – seconds are called “tick tocks,” hello and goodbye are “be well,” and everyone is addressed by both first and last names (so you get to hear “John Spartan” and “Simon Phoenix” uttered over and over). Snipes has free reign to do whatever it is that Snipes does. And Stallone wears a beret.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT STALLONE

He doesn’t annunciate very well. His characters have amazing names. He can actually be natural and engaging when he’s ad-libbing, and they should let him do it more often. He’s best as a born loser or underdog type. His muscles are large, well-defined, and often oily.

Bonus trivia question: Two of these movies directly reference Rambo. Do you know which ones?

Well, that’s about enough out of me. Be well, #5, wherever you are. Be well.

It Ain't Easy Being Grieco

2007-12-04T16:50:00.000-06:00

There comes a point in your life when you have to look in the mirror and admit that some weird shit comes your way. You've been a telephone psychic, you've sold stuffed bunnies door-to-door, you've handed out menus in a blizzard while wearing a chef's hat, you've starred in two fake Italian weddings, you've watched 27 hours straight of Twin Peaks at a local movie theater (just me?). I bring this up, because another strange event is upon me. I can't to into it, because it's for work, but I will say it involves flying to all 50 states in 11 days and a Santa suit.

That said, I am going to be on a strange journey for a time, and I will most likely dedicate GIK to that for a spell. While it strays from the premise of the blog, I would like to have a record of the insanity (hopefully with pictures). It all begins this weekend, and I will have work-oriented things to do along the way, but hopefully I will have some time to dedicate to GIK. I also plan to review airplane movies along the way, so that's kind of Grieco.

Anyway, stay bold. Chip Chip!

Back from Thanksgiving

2007-11-28T15:55:00.000-06:00

The 4-day weekend was beautiful but too short. I have recovered from beige food overdose. I am going to try something new to try to get GIK back up and running on a regular basis. Start looking for posts to go up on the weekend. I hope to do at least two (maybe 3) a week still, but this whole work thing is kicking my ass, so Sat. and Sun. seem like the way to go. Also, I would like to open the floor to some guest posts. TGOGS, the People look to you to return to glory. The people look to you all. Just let me know if you've seen some Grieco-worthy pictures that you would like to tell the world (or at least 7 or 8 others) about.

Keep it Grieco!

Are You the One they Call Beowulf?

2007-11-19T14:27:00.000-06:00

Last year, I wrote about checking out Friday the 13th III in its original 3-D form. It was awesome in its own love for the fledgling technology, placing broomsticks precariously close to the audience's eyes or popping popcorn into the third dimension for like 20 minutes. Well, the technology has come a long, long way, but the self-fascination remains, and as badass as 3-D is, you will still have the “hey look, this is totally 3-D” shots thrown your way.

With that, let's get down to Geats:

Beowulf (an epic post for an epic tale)
First off, this picture isn't just 3-D, it's crazy Zemeckis Polar Express (yeah, I saw it. What?) up there. You know, where (for the most part) the “cartoons” totally look like the actor who is playing them only with less pock marks and better abs. It kind of blows my mind. Anyway, here we go:

I am a huge fan of Beowulf. It is, in my opinion, one of the boldest tales ever told. It is pure metal at times, and it smacks of honor and the Norse. If you think it sucks because you had to memorize part of it in Olde English in high school, I suggest taking a look at the relatively new (2000?) Seamus Heaney translation. It kicks ass. “Wound-slurry.” All I'm saying.

As a lover of Beowulf, I was heard to remark “that's bullshit!” quite loudly in the theater when the first MAJOR plot discrepancy occurred like 10 minutes in, but luckily I was able to put that behind me and enjoy the sheer digital insanity to come.

Digital Hopkins guzzles mead with his thanes and frolics in his Hall, and all is well. Until Grendel shows up. Played by Crispin Glover (reunited w/ Back to the Future director Zemeckis), this Grendel owes more to the titular character of John Gardner's book than to the monster of the original. He is tragic, misshapen, and sad, and has bad hair and a pulsating eardrum that drives him to violence. He speaks Dutch or German or ESL to his mother until he is slain by Beowulf.

(note: once in a hotel in Chicago, I was in the lobby next to Mr. Glover. He was clad in all leather, and as he poured himself a cup of coffee, he rapped the words, “I am going to a party. I am going to party,” over and over again. It was 11:30 AM. It is, to this day, one of the greatest moments of my life.)

As the well-endowed mother of Grendel, digital Angelina Jolie seems a bit hotter than real life Jolie, as though the digital version has no love of orphans or home-wrecking, but only has love for you. She uses an accent similar to her “I'm kind of Russian” thing she does in Alexander. It's ridiculous, but I don't think that is what she'll be remembered for by most.

Once Grendel gets killed, there are some fantastic digital battles involving equally fantastic digital gore. There are blades and chalices, and oaths, and loss, and betrayal, and all the things you'd expect from such a picture. However, there is also some digital buffoonery with a non-seen Beo-penis that goes on way too long. There is also digital Malkovich who is awesome in the same ways as real Malkovich, and his character serves to work in some of the bizzaro Christian elements that the Monks forced into the book. There is also digital Robin Wright Penn, who I think I have a little crush on. Not the real Mrs. Wright-Penn, mind you. She seems like she could destroy me.

OK, so after the battles and ascensions to the thrown, there is a dragon chase that resembles every dream I have had since I was 12. There is also a moment when our hero slices the muscles in his own arm to bring him closer to the heart of the beast. But, where, I ask, was the high-flying guitar lick to underscore it?

Eventually, the movie reaches an ending similar to that of the book. There is a funeral pyre on a dragon ship and a flaming waterfall, and it's so very right. But then, there is the Sci-Fi Channel style “is the story really over?” ending, which is totally absurd.

If you can divorce yourself from the book (probably not too hard for many), this is a crazy 3-D ride. However, I must say this—the picture calls into question Beowulf's honor, and that I cannot abide. And so I give it 3-Griecos. Enjoy it. Love it. Battle it. And prepare for Ragnarok.

Also, prepare for Part II of this epic, in which I will break down the 3-D previews the lovely Sherpa and I saw before the movie.

3-D + Mead Hall = Kickass!

2007-11-16T18:53:00.000-06:00

Saw Beowulf in all it's digital 3-D glory last night. As a purist, I had many problems. As a lover of all things 3-D and metal, I was nearly moved to triumphant tears. A tale this epic deserves an epic GIK post. I will have the first part of a two-parter on Monday. Until then, may you dream of Dragon's Blood and the honor of Wyglef!

Coming Soon to a Grieco Near You!

2007-11-13T14:07:00.000-06:00

Hello GIK readers. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing my best to keep up with all things Grieco. I know I have only managed about 2 posts a week, but I promise to keep fighting the good Grieco as we move closer to Grieco is King: Year 3. Got some bold pictures on the way including Honey (so very bad), a 4-hour mini-series epic about unicorns starring Randy Quaid, and much more. You don't want to miss it, so keep checking back.

As always, Keep Grieco in your heart all year round, and fetch me the finest goose in all of London!

Sequels: Part I

2007-11-08T15:15:00.000-06:00

I saw an enormous ad for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets the other day, and it got me pretty fired up. TGOGS and I left the Wonder Twins behind when the original Natty Treas hit the theaters and we loved it. Kind of. I mean it was way too long, but totally awesome none the less. Anyway, I'm sure Voight and Cage will make Part 2 even more ridiculous/kickass. The giant ad got me thinking about sequels, and how I have sort of stayed away from them as an entity on GIK. Well, that stops today with the first installment of what may or may not be a recurring segment.

Sure, we'll get into pointless sequels like Teen Wolf, Too or Fievel Goes West and disgraceful sequels like The Godfather III, but I wanted to kick things off with the worst "multiple sequels" of all time. Whether they're 2/3 of a trilogy or parts of a seemingly never-ending series, there's something really special about watching sequels get progressively worse.

Matrix Reloaded; Matrix Revolutions -- Hey, I have an idea. Let's take this Matrix thing out of the Matrix and eliminate everything that makes it cool. Oh, and let's really show off the fact that we once read a book on philosophy. What? You already did that Wachowski Bros? How'd that work out for you?

Halloween III; H2O; Halloween: Resurrection – OK, so Halloween III: Season of the Witch is simply one of the worst movies ever made. I would say watch it, but I don't know if you can make it through. I'd give it 1 1/2-Griecos on a good day, and it has nothing to do with Michael Myers, so it's just worthless. What bothers me about H2O and Resurrection is that they return to the Jamie Lee/Michael Myers story arc, totally ignoring Halloweens IV, V, and VI in the process. Now, VI has some problems, but the later sequels don't even account for IV and V, which are too good to be ignored. I mean, ultimately, Halloween IV is my favorite Halloween picture. There, I said it. Sorry John Carpenter, that's just how I feel. Anyway, glossing over IV and V is unforgivable in my book.

Alien 3; Alien Resurrection -- In the opening minutes of Alien 3, Reese and Newt are killed off without ever waking up from the “hyper-sleep” they were put into in Aliens. That's just wrong. You can't kill off two of the most beloved characters in the series without even giving them a line. Especially when one of those characters is played by Michael Biehn. It's like when Doug Masters dies in the opening scene of Iron Eagle II (we'll get to that at another time). Total bullshit. As for Resurrection; well I guess I don't like that word being in the titles of sequels. Also, this movie is more French than Sci-Fi, and not good French; annoying French. I mean, a quasi-cloned Ripley becomes some kind of a mother/lover to the Giger Alien, and there's all kind of womb imagery, and Winona Ryder is like Bram Stoker's Dracula bad. She might even be worse in this one. OK, probably not, but she's still really unwatchable.

So, there they are. The worst multi-sequels of all time. I'm sure I missed a few. Please let me know.

Behind the Mask

2007-11-05T16:38:00.000-06:00

I know Halloween is over, but there is one more horror movie I need to talk about before I move on.

The lovely Sherpa and I returned to the ATX this weekend to kick it somewhat old skool with TGOGS and Obidiah. TGOGS suggested that we check out Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. While Behind the Mask never had a theatrical release (the sexiest kind of release if you ask me), it did show at the greatest movie theater in America, The Alamo Draft House, and TGOGS was lucky enough to see it.

The movie is set up as a documentary (a mockumentary if you will) that follows a slasher movie style killer as he prepares for the big night that will secure his place in supernatural killing lore. It is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while, and it breaks down the slasher movie in a way that even Scream didn't do. It also gives answers to all of those “how the hell did he get up and disappear after being shot six times questions” that you would ask if you ever wanted to punch holes in a horror plot. I don't want to give too much away, but the movie does transition into something different in the end.

The casting is dead on (Robert Englund and the little short old lady from Poltergeist even show up), and the movie is really entertaining. While it's never truly terrifying or anything, there is a great mask and some scary moments. As Behind the Mask combines two of my favorite genres, horror and mockumentaries, I was a little angry that I didn't think of this idea first. If you're a horror fan, you should definitely see it.

Say “Grieco” three times in the mirror and he will appear, drink all of your beer, yell shit at your TV, and then vanish. I dare you to try.

Shhh. The Doll Lady is Everywhere.

2007-10-31T15:48:00.000-05:00

Halloween is finally here. I love it, but it saddens me, as I now have to let the spoookiness go until next year. However, I do have one day left for terror, and I am going to use it.

Myself, the lovely Sherpa, and our House Guest from the West Coast (HGWC) have spent the last week watching various horror movies and “documentaries” on the Travel Channel and Discovery. I'm a fan of the one where the guy goes to old English castles and says stuff like “I'm getting that a man named John or James once lived here." Really? You think in the last 800 years a British guy named John or James might have lived there? Crazy. I bet if I go to a family reunion I'll meet at least seven dudes named Frank. Am I psychic, now?

Sorry, I've lost track. Oh, so we've been getting in the spirit, and the ladies even carved some awesome pumpkins (Mr. Burns as Bram Stoker's Dracula is my favorite). We checked out Fright Night (doesn't hold up at all, but '80s dance scene is still hot) and HGWC suggested we check out Dead Silence...and so we did.

Dead Silence
When I first saw the preview for this in the theatre, I was really fired up. There was a creepy old chick who was way into equally creepy dolls. It seemed to have the makings, you know? I heard terrible things, though, so I kind of let it come and go. However, at the video store we decided to go all ventriloquist dummy, so we rented Magic (classic) and Dead Silence (uncut).

OK, so this movie has some of the worst dialogue you will ever here. This particular line is perhaps my favorite ever: “In the town where I'm from, a ventriloquist dummy is a bad omen.” Man, it just doesn't get any worse than that. Then, there's Donnie Wahlberg (on the back-up) playing a rough-around-the-edges cop. Unfortunately for all of us, Donnie has chosen as a his character quirk/actor trick to randomly shave with an electric razor at various points throughout the film. Seriously, he'll be like mid-conversation and just start shaving. I don't even know, man. I guess it's tough being in the shadow of the younger brother who you created.

Anyway, despite terrible dialogue, the electric razor, and gaping plot holes, there are some legit scares in Dead Silence. I have to admit, it was much scarier than I thought it was going to be. You have to fight through a lot of nonsense to get there, but when it delivers, it really delivers (the mortuary scene is particularly frightening). HGWC and I are both huge horror fans and have seen many a scary picture in our day, and I will tell you, we both had nightmares about Dead Silence after watching it. The Lovely Sherpa, however, did not, and I've seen her get scared by commercials, so take it for what it is.

That said, I'm giving Dead Silence 3-Griecos. I like the scares, I like the twists, I love the horrible dialogue. I would have given it 3 1/2-Griecos, but there is this CGI tongue that kind of ruins a lot of scenes.

Happy Halloween! May the shades and wraiths be with you.

I am Robin of Locksley!

2007-10-30T15:08:00.000-05:00

The lovely Sherpa sent me a great article from MSNBC chronicling the worst movie accents of all time. It seemed like a very Grieco article, and the writer even seems to posses a bit of that Grieco rage, so you really need to check it out.

It starts out talking about Russell Crowe's accent in the previews for American Gangster, and I'm glad somebody is talking about it. The man sounds ridiculous. It reminds me of when I had to play a Romanian in a play in college and I basically came in with my really bad imitation of hated Chicago Bull Tony Kukoch (who is, by the way, not from Romania). Crowe isn't tapping into his inner Eastern European, but he is butchering the New York accent. I know, I know, it's already pretty ugly, but it's not the generic nonsense Crowe seems to be bringing. Anyway, it's nice to see Crowe get called out. He's been a hack for at least like 5 years. Anyway, here's the list (and my thoughts):

Dick Van Dyke (Mary Poppins): OK. He has a point. But it's Van Dyke, man.

Brad Pitt (The Devil's Own): I can't believe I haven't brought this picture up before. Pitt's Irish dialect truly rivals some of the worst shit you've ever heard. It makes Cruise in Far and Away sound like Colm Meaney.

Angelina Jolie (Alexander): Sadly, I haven't seen this movie, and I am sure it is pure Grieco. I can't stand Jolie, though, so I am sure it's a dead-on selection.

Gary Oldman (State of Grace): So many bizarre Oldman accents to choose from. I like that he went with this one as it's an American (NY) accent he butchers. Those Brits are so fond of mocking us for our poor dialect work. How does it feel now, Brits? Yeah, that's right. Probably similar to the way it felt when Prime Minister Lord North resigned, huh? Yeah, Treaty of Paris, son!

Uma Thurman (Henry and June): OK, this is one of Sherpa's favorite movies, so I invite her to comment on the validity of this entry on the list. I will say that this movie, much like Basquiat, makes me want to kill people.

Tim Robbins (Mystic River): This is a bold entry, because Robbins won the Oscar for this. I have to say that I couldn't get past the whole “vaguely retarded” thing he was doing to even really deal with the accent.

Winona Ryder (Bram Stoker's Dracula): What more can I even say about her performance in this movie. Please read “Hang Your Head in Shame” for a different take at what is one of the worst performances of all time. He could have put Keanu in here, but as he suggests, that's just too easy. Not too easy for me, as I listed it as the worst "non-Costner" accent of all time. Oh, and while you're at it, check out “Hang Your Head in Shame II.” I like that one.

Forest Whitaker (The Crying Game): Another bold entry. Haven't seen it in long time. Kind of forgot he was British in this, but I do remember a cricket outfit, so that makes sense I guess. Stephen Rea and the dulcet tones of Mr. Simon LeBon more than make up for it.

Liam Neeson (Schindler's List): Those of you who know me, know this picture is on the list. Haven't and shan't see it. Let me know if Neeson is really worth a mention here.

Special Award: Kevin Costner (Robin Hood, JFK, A Perfect World, 13 Days): Man, so bold. English, New Orleans, Texan, New England. It's as though Costner can do no right. This man is arguably the worst actor of all time. However, I love A Perfect World and anything he plays baseball in. That said, you knew a special spot had to be reserved for him.

Spooooky! ('07)

2007-10-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

Last week, I highlighted some of the worst Halloween movies that the SciFi channel had to offer. Last year, in a post cleverly titled Spooooky !, I tried to highlight some horror movies that I feel the people need to see. Not the classics, but ones that have, for some unknown reason, been missed by far too many. I would now like to do the same thing again in honor of Halloween '07 (the holiday, not the Zombie remake).

Let me start by saying that cable has been very disappointing this year. Last year, you couldn't check the guide in October without seeing a range of kickass titles. Sadly, they seem to be few and far between this time around. But I'm still hopeful, as there is still a week until All Hallows Eve.

OK, so here are a few horror pictures that I'm into that you may have overlooked. Please submit your own lists, and perhaps we can all find a bit of terror before the end of the month.

Damien: Omen 2 and Omen 3: The Final Conflict
All right, let's get something straight. The original Omen is, in my opinion, one of the finest horror films out there. Greg Peck, the insane music, the dogs, Mrs. Baylock (who, by the way, was totally hot when she was young), all of it. I have told many people to see it, and if you still haven't, please make it happen this year. Now, the Omens 2 and 3 are not even in the same ballpark as the original. However, they're way more Grieco.

Damien: The Omen 2 finds the Antichrist hitting puberty. He has all kinds of bullshit at military school to deal with, and then he finds out that he is the Beast and that the armies of the world will gather at Megiddo in his name to bring seven years of pestilence or whatever on us all. It's hard being a teen. The movie has some nice deaths (bird-inflicted is my favorite) and a few creepy moments. You also find out the truth about Damien's animal mom, and "Hollywood" from Mannequin makes an early film appearance.

Omen 3: The Final Conflict introduces us to a smooth talking ladies' man of an Antichrist played by Sam Neill. Men wanna be him and chicks wanna be with him (in the Satanic biblical sense). The highlight of this piece is the group of renegade monks who have come into possession of the daggers that can extinguish Damien both in spirit and body. They're a ragtag group of do-gooders out to save the world. Neill also has some Iago-esque soliloquies delivered to a life-sized reversed crucifix that always seem to start off with “Nazarene, you...” It's kind of awesome. However, the fact that Damien has dedicated his anti-life to learning the Bible and his place in it, and then he totally bricks on the return of Christ is pretty weak. Still worth checking out, though. (note: if you still use a video store, there is a chance these movies will not be together, as some stores use Damian and Final Conflict when alphabetizing.)

Something Wicked This Way Comes
A while back, the lovely Sherpa and I rented Watcher in the Woods, and I was very sad to see that it was totally ridiculous and not scary at all, as it freaking terrified me as a child. However, unlike Watcher, I believe Something Wicked This Way Comes totally holds up. Full disclosure: I watched this in Chicago, and the cough syrup fairy had recently sprinkled her magic dust over me, so that may have something to do with it. But Jonathan Pryce is still freaky, the music is creepy, and the idea of the book that inspired the film clearly inspired King to write like seven of his 4,000 books.

Night at the Opera
The Queen and Blind Guardian albums of the same name are also awesome. However, I will briefly focus on this Argento picture. It has one of the craziest scenes I have ever seen. It involves pins and eyelids and is not for the faint of heart. If CTC would be so kind to elaborate on this film, I believe he could convince most of you to see it. CTC, the ball is in your court.

So that's what I got. Please feel free to comment and add to the list.

Time to Get Spooooky

2007-10-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

With Halloween quickly approaching, I want to put together at least a few posts celebrating my favorite holiday of the year (take that Birth/Resurrection of Jesus!). Sorry. That was uncalled for. Especially when effing Flag Day is really the bain of my existence.

Anyway, to get things started, I have returned to the familiar stomping grounds of the Sci-Fi network. They're offering some bold pictures for the Halloween season. Here are some titles to look out for. I'm using the Sci-Fi promo copy to describe them, because it's too good to mess with. I'll throw my $.02 in, as well.

Wraiths of Roanoke: "They came from England to tame the New World, only to become the prey of an ancient evil."

--The lovely Sherpa and I caught about 7 minutes of this gem. It looks fantastic. People wearing colony garb; talking in colony speak. The guy who played the Highlander on the TV show (apparently, there can be more than one) is the lead colony dude, and a guy who did voice work in what I believe is the third installment of The Mangler is also in it, so you know it's good. I caught a glimpse of a fine pilgrim woman, a terrible leftover set from Last of the Mohicans, and a dangling corpse.
Projected Grieco Rating: 3-Griecos

The Grave Dancers: "Three friends accidentally invoke an ancient curse that can kill them all."

--I hate it when that happens. The poster features what I guess is one of the titular villains. He looks like a cross between Gollum, a C.H.U.D., Pumpkinhead, and a kindly old dwarf professor.
Projected Grieco Rating: 4-Griecos

Something Beneath: "Subterranean Humanoids prey on scientists at an ecological summit."

--Speaking of C.H.U.D.s. The poster for this looks like a cheap X-files ripoff, and while I applaud the topicality of an eco summit, it sounds kind of lame.
Projected Grieco Rating: 2 1/2-Griecos (the ½ is for the subterranean humanoid)

Hopefully, these three spoooky films will get you started. I'll try to find some horror films that are actually good to highlight, as well. Your suggestions, as always, are welcome. Oh, Sci-Fi also just showed a movie in which a guy receiving oral pleasures from a hooker finds that whilst in the process, the hooker has been decapitated by a really quiet psycho killer. I'm looking for the title as we speak, because I'm pretty sure that will bust the Grieco rating system altogether.

T'ai Chi in Space

2007-10-08T14:42:00.000-05:00

From the moment I saw the preview for The Fountain, I was fired up. It looked bold in every way with a future-past epic quality that I find irresistible. Sadly, it was out for like three days in the ATX, so I missed it. But now that I am not on the run from the cable company, I can use the old pay-per-view again, so the lovely Sherpa and I threw down a virtual $3.95 to check out Aranofsky's latest opus while Fox found it necessary to show the Redskins/Lions game. Seriously, 'Skins/Lions? That's what you're bringing to the table?

The Fountain
At its core, The Fountain is about the search for eternal life, or the acceptance of death, or a quasi-mythical dying nebula that symbolizes the universality of all things and shows us clearly that only through death can we achieve eternal life...or some other bullshit like that.

We open on Hugh Jackman as a sword-wielding Conquistador fighting his way through a Mayan temple in search of the Tree of Life. He comes face-to-face with a man who wears a headdress of mighty horns and brandishes a flaming sword. Totally badass. Everything I had hoped for.

Cut to: A bald Hugh Jackman sitting in the lotus position amidst an open-chakra-inspired tripscape that looks like something hippies jack off to. Not nearly as kickass as flaming swords.

Cut to: A modern day Hugh Jackman with a decent haircut and a strong jaw. I have to give it him, he's a handsome man. In modern times, Hugh is a doctor married to Rachel Weisz. Poor Rachel is dying and somewhat forcing her American dialect. She's OK with what cancer will do to her, but Hugh isn't. Luckily, he's a doctor conducting monkey surgery and experimenting with a concoction made from the sap of a mysterious tree found in South America or Florida. I missed that part.

Anyway, Rachel has written a book (all but the last chapter) called The Fountain. She wrote it with an oldschool pen and an ink well, which I am envious of, because if I tried to write a book that way I would surely quit after Chapter 1. As Hugh reads the book, we move back and forth between Inquisition-era Spain (Weisz is the Queen), modern time monkey surgery, and futuristic Downward-Facing Dog Land. Weisz asks Hugh to finish the book, but he's not down. He only wants to cure his Love and, like so many alchemists before him, find a way to stop Death. Sadly, poor Rachel dies just as Hugh discovers that he's discovered a cure. Now, he will finish the book and come to terms with loss and all that.

OK, at times The Fountain looks awesome. At other times, not so much. And the sight of a bald Hugh Jackman sitting with legs folded/palms to the sky in a floating bubble is just laughable. As is the image of his shadow doing T'ai Chi in front of a star-speckled backdrop. At times, the movie is also incredibly sad, and if you're a little girl like me, you might even shed a tear. However, at other times, the dialogue reads like a bad episode of "Days of Our Lives" without that cool guy who wears the patch. Patch, I believe, was his name.

I had no intention of going Grieco on The Fountain, but floating, golden-light-bathed Hugh demands it of me. The nebula “Shibulba” demands it of me, and the poor fake monkeys that had to undergo surgery demand it of me.

I give The Fountain 2 ½ – Griecos. Had it just been the Spain/Mayan stuff, it easily would have been 4.

Name that Movie: Is it...Naked Demon Summoning Circle?

2007-09-26T17:20:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was flipping through the channels (finally got cable!) and testing myself as I am wont to do. The test is to see how quickly I can name the movie that is showing. My goal is always to get it before I hear a line of dialogue, and as my former roommates can attest, I'm pretty damn good at it. Yes, I have quite an exciting ninjaesque life. Anyway, on this particular night, I was totally stumped. I stared on and had absolutely no idea what I was watching. I couldn't even begin to come up with something. The scene, however, was totally amazing, so I let it go.

A young Alexis Arquette (The lovely Sherpa nailed that, I didn't recognize him out of drag) was walking around some sort of sacred circle. From the lighting, you could tell some dramatic ritualistic shit was about to go down. Finally, a ring of flames emerges in that “hey, we totally just lit a ring of gasoline” type way. Then, what you think is a demon emerges. At first it's a bit gooey and gross, and the demon has kind of a weird pengina. Like a doll or a Swede. But then it goes into that wacky sort of fast-forward editing (like you'd see in a movie starring Sindbad), and the demon transforms into a teen, and he and Alexis engage in some witty banter/what-do-you need-me-to-do-master talk.

My question is this: What the hell movie was I watching?

I did some work on IMDB, and I'm pretty sure I figured it out, but if any of you know it or have a guess, I would love to hear it. I'd also like to get this going as a regular segment, but I tend to have big hopes that never quite work out when it comes to that stuff.

Silence, S'il Vous Plait.

2007-09-25T11:15:00.001-05:00

Rage Goes On: CTC Defends/Trashes Halloween

2007-09-18T18:03:00.000-05:00

The Halloween debate continues here at GIK. BTS and myself have weighed in, and now CTC (a relative newcomer to the world of Grieco) lays forth his treatise:

Here is an interesting little fact that I don’t know if you are aware:
I saw Halloween 2 before I saw the original, so to me, Carpenter’s
version was a very interesting back-story to what I had assumed in my
youth was a slash-em-up spookfest. I feel this perhaps gives me
perspective – even on the original – regarding questions I had that
were not answered in Carpenter’s and how perhaps they were better
addressed in Zombie’s, but alas, I digress.

Let me begin by siding with Mssr. BTS in his estimation of Zombie’s
body of work. I prefer Corpses to Rejects because I feel it is a
better example of what he ultimately is as an artist – a homageur. The
characters that he created for Corpses are less Chainsaw and more
specifically the lesser-known Midnight (aka Backwoods Massacre) by
John Russo of Night of the Living Dead fame (and interestingly Tom
Savini’s first picture). While this may seem immaterial, it speaks to
the depth of small nods he makes throughout the film (in Halloween,
the appearance of Ken Foree and Brad Dourif). While I agree with Mssr.
BTS’s claims regarding the exploitative nature of Rejects, I felt it
ultimately was some psycho road film in which the actors were asked to
review their previous performances and show up on set ready to work.

In looking to compare someone as stylized as Zombie to someone so
seemingly hands-off as Carpenter, we must seek out those elements of
Zombie that we can detect and ask why did he treat this aspect
differently than ol’ what’s-his-nuts. To me, it comes down to very
basic aspects: the mask, Dr. Loomis, Michael’s back-story, and Laurie.

Remember that time in the original when Carpenter took the time to add
significance to the mask and why Michael felt compelled to wear it
even in the face of an escaping victim? Didn’t think so. Zombie not
only shows us a young Michael showing propensity towards face-wear
prior to his initial murders, he gives that actual mask gravitas
through Michael’s ultimate return to the scene of the crime to
retrieve the objects that emotionally tie him to that place and the
events of his past that have brought him to his current state. Also,
you have to admit, it was pretty freaky in an almost medieval way that
the young Michael began to vanish behind his shroud and as he aged,
created and surrounded himself with various horrific visages to
reflect his own inner-ugly.

And to that point, I must address Dr. Sam “Sutherland in Animal House”
Loomis. While I agree with you that the portrayal of this character is
uckingfay udicrouslay, it brought to the fore hitherto undiscussed
aspects of his character (strike 2, Mr. Carpenter). While the mystery
of the originals “bogeyman is true” (ironically, far better executed
in Corpses) is an unique element, in today’s world of Court TV and
true-crime obsession, a kid who killed his family would be
international news and therefore would make the man who was in his
care, somewhat of a de-facto celebrity, ie. Vincent Bugliosi, attorney
against the Manson family. In that line of thinking, I can take no
real issue (other than “it wasn’t like that in the real one”) with
Loomis doing a book tour. But why was Pleasance merely an exposition
device with a pistol? McDowell’s Loomis has a journey which shows him
as a flawed character who must ultimately deal with the ramifications
of his own hubris (I said I could fix him and I failed miserably),
instead of a man possessed. Ahab, indeed, but Ahab with no reason
beyond “He got out. I got to get him.”
And now the back-story – For what it was, I thought the back-story was
great for what it was. Imagine that part of the movie as the basis for
any other movie and you would have a nice start to a new-age slasher.
The resistance can then only be “well it’s not how the other Michael
Myers was”. I realize that on the surface you have abusive family,
stripper mom, long hair, metal t-shirt. Let us not forget: Rob Zombie
is a ROCK STAR! Digging deeper into the prequel part, it was almost a
pastiche of modern research into the triggers of serial killing –
animal abuse, bullying, over-protective mothering, over-active
imagination (pretty much your run of the mill theater major, as well),
with the true inciting incident being the transfer of aggression from
a defenseless animal to the vengeance on a bully – which I don’t care
how squeamish you are – was the one of the more effectively brutal,
yet actually supported plot points I have seen in recent horror. And
to further respond, you said there was no suspense, what do you call
the moments beginning when he straps down the step-father through him
being in the back seat of the squad car? You knew what was going to
happen and he just walked you through it at his own twisted leisure.
“A” for effort, Rob.

Finally, we have the little sister. As I said, I saw part 2 before the
original, so I knew the back story, and still there is very little in
there at all. How does he even know what she looks like? I don’t
recall her saying “I’m adopted and this is the house where my crazy
brother killed everyone” in the moment where she drops the key off at
the house in the original. Whereas in this one, Zombie gives us the
picture. Zombie gives us a memory of him showing tenderness towards
her as a baby. Zombie gives some existence of a family after Michael
is whisked away into Loomis’ care as opposed to Carpenter’s dreamy
isolation during Loomis’ therapy. Did Michael want to kill her? I
don’t know… and it gives Michael… here we go – an inner-conflict! Oh
my God! Did Rob Zombie give Michael Myers a journey?

All in all, I’d see it again, but it was not that good. B-

BTS Coins Phrase, Reviews Halloween

2007-09-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

BTS has returned from a viewing of the new Halloween and has posted a comment on the picture, my review, and "WTEG." Here is BTS' take on the situation (CTC, where is yours, sir? Where is yours?):

I just saw Halloween. First let me say that I really like Zombie's other films. The Devil's Rejects is pretty much as over the top as you can go. He has a nice clear mission of taking the genre (which is not really horror) to another level. The fact that he chose to take on a masterpiece like Halloween proves that he may be a fucking idiot. Like I said, horror is not his genre. He makes white-trash-exploitation gore (WTEG). To use this treatment on the Halloween concept is patently abhorrent. It's the worst. This is a class-less, crappy and worthless piece of cinema. Basically like if Grindhouse were a remake of Wild Strawberries or something (wait, that might be a really good idea...).

I hated this film so much that I really really wanted to leave the whole time. However, my viewpoint is a good bit different from MC's. I found no evidence of Zombie's skill here, and I thought the nods to the original series were a little insulting. Also, the only tolerable thing about the film was McDowell's performance. I love that man. And what else is he going to do with what Zombie gave him than play Polonius??!! All in all, whatever. This movie should be burned and forgotten forever.

Rage Not Stopped: Zombie Butchers Halloween

2007-09-04T13:36:00.000-05:00

Spoiler Alert: This is a rare occurrence for GIK. I am going to review a movie that just came out that many of you might actually want to see, so if you don't want to know plot details of the new version of Halloween, please stop reading. However, if you would like to hear about how Robb Zombie wasted my time and kind of crapped on my favorite horror movie, please feel free to peruse the following:

Halloween
Now, I've complained about horror remakes before, but this one was different. Like many of you, I am a bit obsessed with Halloween and Michael “The Evil on Two Legs” Myers. Since I was appalled by H2O and didn't even bother to see Resurrection (as they totally ignore 4, 5, and 6), I was excited to see Halloween get back to its roots. I was also excited because people who are smarter than me tell me that Zombie is a great director. I personally couldn't make it through House of 1,000 Corpses, but Zombie has always seemed like a cool guy that I would like to party with, so I give him the benefit of the doubt.
That being said, there are moments in Halloween where you can see that the man has some true skill, but they are few and far between.

Problem 1: The Prequel
Zombie basically made the decision to turn Michael into the protagonist of the movie. While many of you will argue that Michael is the protagonist of the original series, he is not the protagonist of the original film, as that honor lies with Laurie (Jamie Lee) or Loomis if you really understand what it's all about. Because Michael is now the central figure, we are treated to what was probably 30 minutes but seemed like an hour and half of his youth. Gone is the cherub in the pristine clown costume from the original. Now, Michael is the product of a white trash fantasy. His mom is a stripper with a heart of gold, his stepfather is an abusive drunk, and everybody says fuck all the time. Michael spends his days killing small animals, getting picked on at school, wearing Kiss shirts, and covering his face with a clown mask. We see him make his first kill (the beating of a bully with a baseball bat that is more bloody and violent than the entire original movie). Now, I am no puritan, but it all seemed a little out of place in a Halloween picture.
Ultimately, the background story reduces Michael Myers (aka The Shape) into a stereotypical abused kid-turned-killer. It makes him far less intriguing, and it's a pain in the ass waiting forever for him to turn into an adult.

Problem 2: The Giant
When we finally do get to see Michael all growds up, he's a giant. Seriously, the guy playing him looks like he's 6' 7” and about 300 lbs. He looks like a damn wrestler. I mean, he even wears this homemade mask when he's at Smith's Grove, and he totally looks like that WWF (cold day in hell when I call it WWE) guy (Kane?). Again, this is just one more thing that makes him less scary. Meyers is precise and relentless. You can run, jump, hide, climb a roof. It doesn't matter, Michael is going to just keep walking after you, and you are going to die. This Michael looks like he's going to throw you into the ropes and then hit you with a chair that Bobby “The Brain” Heenan threw him on the sly.

Problem 3: Loomis
Oh, shit this is a big one. Dr. Samuel Loomis is my favorite character in the Halloween series, and one of my favorite characters of all time in anything. As played by the incomparable Donald Pleasence, Loomis is part Lear, part Ahab, and all awesome. Well, Malcom McDowell's playing flippin' Polonius up there, people. It's bullshit.
Between the long-haired hipster Loomis in the '70s and the book tour Loomis of present day, it's all crap. McDowell (whom I usually like) just isn't bringing the gravitas or the madness. It sucks. He's got nothing.

Problem 4: Blood = Scary?
There are two legitimate scares in the film, and any other frightening moments are created entirely by Carpenter's original score. There is no suspense at all in the movie, and because Laurie is reduced to basically a minor character, you don't give a shit about her or Tommy Doyle (that's Paul Rudd in Part VI, son). It's just blood and brutality and not an ounce of subtlety. In an interview, Zombie said something like he wanted to make Michael Myers scary again. Well, he failed. The sense of dread that exists in the original is nowhere to be found, and the mystery and horror of Michael have been cast aside for typical tricks that every director who wants to be Tobe Hooper seems to use. Speaking of, Halloween isn't Chainsaw, and most of the crap that's getting slung in this movie doesn't work for either anyway.

The Good
OK, now that I've gone off, let me say that there are some good things about the picture. The 15 minutes before the last 15 minutes are solid. Michael's relationship to Laurie is much more clear (Carpenter kind of let it go and tacked it on to Part II), there are some nice homages to the first (Blue Oyster Cult), and best of all, the girl who plays Jaimie in Parts IV and V plays Annie in this. She's perhaps the best child actor ever (her “Uncle Bogyman” line is a heart-breaker and her scream is unrivaled), and luckily for her she grew up to be totally hot. There are some moments that will disturb you because you think of her as a little kid, but once you realize that in real life she's only two (or one) years younger than you, you should be OK. Oh, and I kind of have a little crush on Zombie's wife (she plays Michael's mother).

That's it. I don't fault Zombie for trying, but when you take on Halloween, you better bring something to the table, as BTS and I did for our outline of what should have been Halloween 7. This picture failed me in many ways, and made me angry in many others.

CTC, I await your rebuttal.

Where Have All the Drifters Gone?

2007-08-28T15:42:00.000-05:00

As I prepare myself for the upcoming long weekend and opening night of the Halloween remake, I am reminded that the Summer movie season is coming to an end. Now, as far as blockbusters go, it was a fairly bold season. Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Bourne 3, Potter 5, Transformers, etc. I missed Pirates, liked Spidey because I'm a Spider Man/Raimi nerd, was a bit disappointed in Potter because Book 5 is my favorite and they left way too much out, flipping loved Bourne because I love Bourne, and almost cried when Optimus Prime transformed for the first time because I long for my youth. Heck, I was even way into Invasion, so overall for me it was a standard decent summer movie season. But where was the Tokyo Drift of aught-seven? Where was the action picture starring B or even C stars like Lucas Black and that kid who plays Lance Harbor in Varsity Blues? Was it out there, and I just missed it? Summer can't just be about sequels and movies based on stuff. We need our ensemble of walking stereotypes like ID4, our glorious failures like National Treasure, and our low-budget/low-concept pieces that focus on the exploits of a young American trying to learn how to live, how to love, and how to drift on the streets of Japan.

If there was a Driftesque picture out there this summer and I missed it, please let me know. If not, let us devise one ourselves and show those fat cats down in Hollywood a thing or to.

DTLMF

TV Themes (Part 2)

2007-08-24T13:18:00.000-05:00

Hello All,

Thanks for the great responses to the TV theme question. All bold in their own right. I know there are still more out there, so if you haven't submitted, do so on What Would We Do Baby...?
I'm going to try to put together a full list for next week, so those of us too lazy to read the comments can get a quick look.

So, no "This Week in Grieco" this week. I've decided to make it "This Fortnight in Grieco," because that seems more Grieco to me. Look for it next Friday. Have a good weekend, and look to GIK next week, because I'm going to get down and dirty with some talkies.

What Would We Do Baby...?

2007-08-21T17:27:00.000-05:00

I've been watching a bit of "Veronica Mars" (fuck you, it's awesome) with the lovely Sherpa, and I find myself humming the catchy Dandy Warhols' opening theme. It's made me start thinking a lot about TV theme songs. Now, I know one man's Alan Thicke is another man's Johnny Mathis, but there are some themes that have stood the test of time regardless of who you're into, am I right? So, GIK readers, I put the task to you to single out the greatest TV theme song of all time. Please tell me and the others out there which song is the best, and why it's the best. Perhaps I can then make a mix tape and ask Brooke out to the social. I mean I think she was looking at me in P.E.

Oh, I'm putting out the "Twin Peaks" theme as the best of all time. It's perfick in every way. Sometimes, I wish it had the lyrics with it, but other times I'm glad it doesn't. I had the single when I was a kid, and my jam box would flip the tape over (suck on that, iPod), so I would fall asleep listening to both versions over and over. Then, I'd wake up and kill the homecoming queen.

Brothers in Grieco (17-August)

2007-08-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

Hello, All.

I know things can get a little insulated over here at GIK, so I wanted to start shedding some light on some Brothers in Grieco out there; those who are tackling the big issues like bad movies, haircuts, and anything else that's worth learning about. For instance, I heard about a bike ride/pie eating contest today. That's something the people should know about.

Anyway, here is the first entry in what I hope will become a weekly segment:

Henry Rollins and Some Vertical Splitting
Brian over at Horror Movie a Day is truly a warrior. He has a level of commitment that I have never been able to muster, and he has a vast collection of movies. Check out his review of Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This picture brings to mind the bold energy of a Savage Dawn with Henry Rollins filling in for Lance Henricksen.

Col. Chappy Sinclair Mocked
While I would have liked to see Gymkata make the cut, The Best Article Every Day put forth a truly worthy look at the Top 5 Most Ridiculous Movie Plots of All Time.

Zombie Apocalypse
Enjoyed Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave, but never felt like you truly understood it all? Visit Screwed Uncle and get an in depth breakdown of the demise of Peter Coyote's career and this film that would pave the way for such GIK hits as House of the Dead.

Have a Grieco weekend.

What's on SciFi?

2007-08-17T13:29:00.000-05:00

SciFi is rockin' a disaster theme this weekend, and it should be kickass. If you have no plans, I suggest you settle in for Fire: Nature Unleashed at 6:00 AM and then just see where the day takes you.

Voight in Tights!

2007-08-14T16:45:00.001-05:00

When you've seen as many Grieco-worthy pictures as I have, you start to become a bit desensitized to crap. That's why I get really excited when I see a part of a movie that's so absurd it truly blows my mind. I had one of these glorious moments this past weekend.

After celebrating the lovely Sherpa's birthday, I returned home with three drunk, attractive ladies. In the old days, I would have been very excited about this, especially seeing as how there was a red head, a blonde, and a brunette. However, these days, the giggling and insane ramblings about men just bring more gray hair to my head. While two of the ladies postulated about the perfect man (apparently it's Harrison Ford) and tried to determine why people were mean, and while the lovely Sherpa tried to help them keep it down as to not wake the neighbors, I retreated to scan the 4 English-language TV channels I'm currently rocking.

Just as I was about to drift off, I saw it. A sight I never thought I would, nay, could see. It was Jon Voight in dublet and hose astride a horse prancing through an Arthurian backdrop. There are some actors who should never be in period garb. It has nothing to do with their talent, it just doesn't work (Pacino in Looking for Richard anyone?) Voight was comical and surreal and awesome. I quickly got sucked into the Palace intrigue. It seems that when the King (Wilfred Brimley—fuck yeah!) dies, the peaceful Voight will ascend to the throne. However, his warlike brother, Armand Assante, has something to say about that. On the night Voight marries his love, Assante stages a kidnapping and pins it on a rival nation a la The Princess Bride. But this is tragedy, my friends. Voight finds the body of his beloved in the forest, draws her close, and rails against the sky. Then—Boom! We're in modern times. (pause to reflect)

I literally shouted when the change came, because I truly didn't see it coming. It was the most Grieco thing I've seen in a very long time.

After Sherpa returned from the tiny beers and lip gloss party that was taking place on the patio, she did some serious Hound cross-checking and helped me discover that the movie was called Eternity and that Voight had co-written the screenplay (with God, perhaps?)

Anyway, back to the modern Voight. We learn that he is a reporter, and he believes he has shared a past-life experience with a woman close to the story he is working on. She, of course, is his Princess from the beginning. Assante and Brimley also show up in modern (Late '80s actually) roles that mirror their roles in the past. Soon after, I fell asleep. If you want to know how the picture turns out, you can get an in depth look at it from the good people of Agony Booth .

As for me, I'm giving it 4-Griecos, cuz that's how I roll. Voight in tights, a time shift. If you can't get behind that, may Hades ope its fierce maw and swallow you into Darkness.

This is Spartan!

2007-08-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

So, I now know what my hell will be. A TV with no cable and 7 of 11 channels broadcast in a language I don't speak. That's how I am rolling in the new house, and it's made keeping up with Lifetime, SciFi, and the myriad other bad movie outlets very difficult. However, it has allowed me to enjoy shows such as "Don't Forget the Lyrics" and 21 Dance club, which is a local show that is basically a Krump-off. It's awesome. Seriously, this kid went up there kind of dressed like Erkel and talked like Erkel, and then just krupmed the shit out of the place. Anyway, my no-cable situation (soon to be rectified) has made the lovely Sherpa and I focus on our DVD collection. We hooked up our shit in stereo and watched 300 the other night. Totally metal, y'all. A movie entirely about honor, and you know I'm into honor. But I didn't come here to talk about honor and abs. Oh, no. With Sparta on my mind, I started flipping through the 4 English language channels I have. Now, with no guide, I've been forced to rely on my superior training (The Video Hound Game) to figure out what I'm watching. At first, when I gazed upon a portly Val Kilmer with terribly dyed hair, I was confused. Then he opened his mouth and spoke the forced, stilted, rapid patter that could only be Mamet's, and I knew I was watching Spartan.

Now, I didn't make it through this picture, but Kilmer's hair alone makes it worth checking out. I think it's supposed to be brown, but it looks reddish and entirely unnatural. You'd think if they'd let him on screen at 40 lbs. overweight, they'd let him on screen with gray hair, but no. So, there's Kilmer's hair, Booby Miles from FNL, and some intrigue, but it just doesn't seem to work on any level. Now, as a theatre kid I have spent my time kneeling before Mamet and calling him the fuck--what's the-you know--the f--I can't even--it's too many--too many--you fucking--c--shut up--bubby, but now I just think he's kind of a hack. Don't get me wrong, I still love Glengary and American Buffalo is pretty cool, but he seems to have become a caricature of himself. He's like the Robin Williams of playwrights. That said, check out Spartan for Kilmer's hair, oddly timed pauses, and a fading glimmer of all that was once Iceman.

And Happy Birthday to Sherpa and Obidiah! Wonder Twins Powers Activate! Form of an ice bucket.

An Apology to Capser

2007-08-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

Readers of GIK know that I have not been kind to Capser Van Dien over the past two years. Although his films such as The Omega Code and Starship Troopers rank among my favorites, I take some delight in mocking his strong jaw, clenched teeth, and unwavering hair. Perhaps it is mere jealousy that causes me to do so. For if I were Casper, I would, indeed, be taller. My Napoleon Complex aside, Casper does bring some of all this upon himself with many of his acting choices. However, the other day I derided him for not being as famous as thought he would be, suggesting that he was an ego maniac and utterly deluded. Well, last night, the lovely Sherpa and I watched Sleepy Hollow (A perfect movie for us; Goth enough for her, not too over-the-Goth for me.) and we checked out the special features. In all of his interviews, Casper is just so jazzed to be a part of it. Early on in shooting, he got hit with a sword, and his finger was broken and blackened, but he showed some heart and kept going. And although he doesn't necessarily seem like the smartest kid in the class, he does seem like he's really trying hard up there, and I have to respect that. Not like that punk Chad Michael Haircut who clearly couldn't give a shit as to what set he's on as long as there is tail to chase. Anyway, I would like to tell Casper I'm sorry for judging him so harshly. Will his films continue to appear on GIK? I am sure almost every movie he makes is destined for this site. But that doesn't mean he's a bum. Casper, you may have honor sir, and I applaud you for it. Good luck to you and your many, many children.

The Bourne Cephalopod

2007-08-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago, myself and my former college roomates ( I was living with them at the time) settled down to watch Super Gator, another original movie from one of the three gnomes that writes all of the stuff on the SciFi channel. While it was a semi-awesome, semi-softcore picture staring Judi Dench lookalike Kelly McGillis and Brad Johnson from Left Behind I and II, it was typical SciFi fare. However, what it led to was one of the boldest openings to a B-beast picture I've ever seen.

Octopus (the First Hour)
OK, so after the lady of the house turned in, CTC and I started watching Octopus, pretty much expecting a re-hash of Super Gator, Frankenfish, etc. We were wrong, my friends. The first like five minutes of the movie is all in Russian, and then we're led through a Bourne/Munich style chase through vaguely European streets as a young CIA analyst and his old field agent mentor pursue a Russian spy (thank God that stereotype is returning). The spy bombs emabassies or something. More importantly, he's dressed like an old woman weaving his way in and out as extras who clearly don't know they're in a movie stare directly at the cameras. The young analyst is too much of a pussy to kill the spy, and this leads to the old mentor getting killed, but not before he blows up the spy's getaway car. In an honorable moment of cowardice, the analyst saves the spy. Now, there are all kinds of Russians (most of them attractive, scantily clad women) who want to rescue this spy, so the only way to transport him back to the US is via a submarine that's helmed by a crazy captain who might just go off the deep end at any moment.

The analyst and the spy arrive on the sub. Strip poker is played, and the analyst bunks with a hot marine biologist who's studying the sea from the sub or something while its “on maneuvers” off the coast of somewhere. There's more talk of "maneuvers," some bad flirting, a valiant escape attempt from the spy, and then the Octopus shows up. OK, once the octopus show up, it's all down hill. I actually bailed as the film morphed into the bad Jaws/Orca rip-off we all knew it was destined to be. However, the fact that it took an hour for the mighty Kraken to show, and the fact that it totally played like a bad political thriller until that moment is bold as pants. That said, I give the first hour of Octopus 3 ½-Griecos. Once the Octopus shows up, go to bed. Or, if you haven't aged 20 years in the last five months like I have, enjoy an evening of frolic.

Moved In!

2007-07-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

Finally got moved into my new home. Of course, the movers totally sold us out, so we had to do that shit ourselves. Give me a day or two to recover and GIK will be back in full swing. You want to know more about a Bourne Identity/Hunt for Red October/Jaws rip off called Octopus? Oh, my friends, you shall.

What's on SciFi?

2007-07-27T15:53:00.000-05:00

I finished Potter, and I'm slowly returning to normal. That said, I'd like to introduce a new segment on GIK. I toyed with it in the past, but I never fully committed, but now that's going to change, because I think we'd all be better people if we knew what we were missing by not tuning into SciFi. So, here's what's on tomorrow:

TIME	PROGRAM	TITLE	STEREO	CC
06:00 AM	PAID PROGRAMMING
09:00 AM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	ATTACK OF THE SABRETOOTH
11:00 AM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	FRANKENFISH
01:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	MINOTAUR
03:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	LARVA
05:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	SABRETOOTH
07:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	BONE SNATCHER
09:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	SANDS OF OBLIVION
11:00 PM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	BOA VS. PYTHON
01:00 AM	SCI FI ORIGINAL MOVIE	SANDS OF OBLIVION
03:00 AM	MOVIE	KING COBRA
05:00 AM	TWILIGHT ZONE, THE	THE HUNT
05:30 AM	TWILIGHT ZONE, THE	SHOWDOWN WITH RANCE MCGREW

OK. So I do have to speak. Check out past GIK reviews of Frankenfish and Minotaur. Yeah, i've seen 'em. And I'll never get those hours back.

Potter Watch

2007-07-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

Freaking out over book. Can't talk now. Be back soon.

My Hobo Knife

2007-07-19T11:17:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have spent the majority of ought-seven living in Austin, but really living in Dallas. For five out of seven months this year I have basically lived like a vagabond, pulling clothes from suitcases and riding the rails when it took my fancy. That was all about to change, as Monday (the Lovely Sherpa was to follow this weekend) was going to be the day I moved into my lovely new home located not too far from BTS' old stomping grounds (Go Golden Eagles?). However, I got, as they say, “Federicoed.” The property management folks decided the day after the lease went into my name would be the perfect time to start major foundation work on the house. So, the place is torn to shit, the move has been pushed back to the end of July, and I have returned to living the hobo dream, hiding away vittles whenever I can and feasting on cold canned beans as I make my way to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, my “seein' hound” Zeek my only companion. OK, so actually my old college roommates have allowed me to become their roommate again even though they're now married and have a baby. That being said, my living arrangements have made it difficult for me to give Left Behind III: World at War the time it deserves. For like a delectable meal of sweet meats, a film such as that is meant to be savored. I'm aiming to really focus up on it post-Potter 7, so probably some time next week. However, I didn't want this to turn into a GIK apology post and then fade away as has happened all year. Buck Williams will wait, and we can still get down to Grieco:

I was thinking about Grieco last night as I fell asleep in a bed that's not my own. I wondered if in the world of B movies/TV if it's better to be a faded star (like Kelly McGillis starring in tonight's SciFi extravaganza Super Gator; co-starring Brad Johnson of Left Behind fame) or one of the guys who never quite made it. Turning to '80s rock cliché as I am wont to do, I decided it's better to have lost in love than never to have loved at all and all that. I feel for those, or at least am more amused by those, who are not as famous as they think they are or thought they would be. Here are some of my favorites:

Vin Diesel: I know. He's made a ton of money and some kickass pictures (Pitch Black, xXx), but he thought he was going to be Schwarzenegger big. He thought he would dominate the box office for a decade and then run the largest state in the union. He even basically remade Kindergarten Cop with The Pacifier. But, alas, Ludacris probably won't be dropping any lines from The Pacifier into his songs any time soon.

Casper Van Dien: Van Dien is Van Damme to Vin Diesel's Arnold. With Starship Troopers (bold) and Sleepy Hollow (goth), you know he thought he would ride that vacant smirk to super stardom. Could he have imagined he would end up billed as “Capser” in the bio section on a dvd for a little Christian propaganda sci-fi movie I like to call Omega Code?

Daryl Hannah: This is a strange one. Some would call her a faded star, and I would not argue with that. But I see Ms. Hannah's career as one that never quite reached the point it was supposed to reach. After Splash and Roxanne it seemed like she was poised to be Meg Ryan before Meg Ryan or something along those lines. I know she's worked a lot, but somehow her being in Hard Cash makes perfect sense.

I know there are far more out there, so let me know who else has had the dream in their sights and then had to settle for a lesser dream. A hobo dream if you will.

The Further Adventures of Buck Williams

2007-07-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

Left Behind II: Tribulation Force is that rare sequel that actually surpasses the original. It has all of the propaganda, community theatre costumes, and frighteningly earnest acting as the first one, but it's a lot more kickass. LB2 is the Red Dawn of Jesus movies, with the Antichrist (who's Russian) filling in for the Russians and Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron) and his Tribulation Force, a rag-tag band of would-be heroes in search of redemption, filling in for those plucky Wolverines. LB2 even shares Red Dawn's communists-will-eat-your-children vibe.

Here's some quick back story, and then we'll get to the highlight reel. Nicolae Carpathia (the Antichrist) has become a beacon of light to a ravaged world. With the promise of peace and hope, all eyes turn towards him for guidance. Only the Tribulation Force, helmed by Kirk with the doubting pilot and the doubting preacher from LB1, knows Carpathia's true identity, and they're committed to bringing down the Beast 'ere the Seven Seals are broken. Oh yeah, and the whole world is under martial law.

Highlights:

Carpathia at the UN
The Antichrist goes before the UN to discuss a “world currency.” OK, the guy who plays Carpathia is just plain awesome. I could have picked any of his scenes as highlights. I must work with this guy.

Buck Finds Love
Kirk finds non-sex, photo-booth style love with the formerly rebellious daughter of the formerly doubting pilot. It's all hugs and praying. Hot.

Fire-Breathing Bible Dudes
Two old bible-type guys (perhaps on loan from 10 Commandments: The Musical) stroll onto the sound stage standing in for Israel and breathe flames on two stunt men wearing fire suits. Best scene in the history of cinema?

Rabbis for Christ
Lest you forget what kind of movie this is, the world's leading Rabbi goes on global television (being filmed by star GNN reporter Buck Williams, of course) to proclaim that Jesus Christ was and is the true Messiah, and then asks God for forgiveness for being blind to the fact for so long. Yep. That's how we role in LB2

Trib Force is easily a 4-Grieco picture and a must-see. These movies are what GIK should be all about. You owe it to yourself to deal with this pre-post-apocalyptic, trashcans burning on the street, stipple brush-5:00 shadow masterpiece.

note: It's nice to be back. Look for a review of Left Behind III: World at War early next week.

Fly the Friendly Grieco

2007-07-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

OK. Mistakes were made. Promises broken. Tournaments ignored. We can't fix that now. That's in the past. What we can do is stay focused on what's coming. While GIK was once the rantings of a man who worked from home and did his best to never step outside, it's now run by a man who has a job that requires him to, you know, put on pants. Luckily, those pants are jeans and the job is cool. That said, the aim of the new GIK is to come to you at least three times a week. Hey, some weeks it might be two and some might be four. And the week Potter 7 hits the shelves, there will probably no posts at all, as I will have hidden away to weep and whisper things like “accio broomstick” to myself over and over as I clutch my knees and sway back and forth. Yep, I've gotten a whole lot cooler since last time we spoke. Anyway, I'm looking to introduce a couple of new recurring segments, and I'm interested in bringing back TGOGS and any one else who might like to guest post.

That said, look for an in depth look into good and evil, god and the devil, and “Growing Pains” to hit GIK later this week when I break down Left Behind II: Tribulation Force and Left Behind III: World at War. I don't want to say too much, but I will tell you that in Left Behind III, Academy Award winner Louis Gossett Jr. plays the president of these United States. That's right, Col. “Chappy” Sinclair of Iron Eagle fame is joining up with Mike Seaver to save the effing world.

Sorry I've failed you this year. It won't happen again.

He Shall Rise Again

2007-07-06T17:42:00.000-05:00

And 'Lo, I did turn to the East; to that darkest corner of the Earth, and I did behold the Pale Horse and its Pale Rider who did carry with him the pain and agony of an entire Age. "From the depths whence you cast me, I have Risen!" He called to me, his hair plugs aflame. "Look upon me, and know that I am Grieco!"

On the Bubble

2007-03-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

With March Madness set to start in a few days, the GIK committee is getting down to business. The process has been slowed by the fact that one of the committee members can't seem to make up his mind on anything. That's right #5, I'm talking to you. As it stands, three pictures have solidified their places in the draw (they shan't be named here) and about 25 films (seriously there are at least 25) are on the bubble. Over the next few days, the committee will engage in serious viewings, heated debates, and the traditional hurling of objects at each other. While the B-ball tournament kicks off this week, GIK will release it's brackets on Friday, and things will start to heat up next week. It's how we did it last year, so hopefully it will work out again. In the meantime, if you have any last minute selection requests, make them known and we here at GIK will take them into consideration. Also, look for #6 Duke to shock the world in the second round and send those cowards of Pittsburgh home early.

Grieco Madness Returns!

2007-03-05T16:22:00.000-06:00

We at GIK have failed you on so many levels in 2007 it can't even be talked about. But we shan't fail you now. March is upon us, and the greatest Basketball/bad movie tournaments are set to return. Selection Sunday is just days away, which means Grieco Madness 2 is coming! If you have any last minute suggestions, please voice them. They will be considered by the selection committee, but no guarantees are made. In the meantime, you can relive the glory of last year's Grieco Madness by starting at the beginning and following play all the way through the shared triumph of BTS and Left Behind.

The Razzies are Here!

2007-01-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all,

Just wanted to let you know that the Golden Rapsberry Awards have their nominees for 2007. The folks at the Razzies are more Grieco than Grieco, so check it out if you have a chance:

http://www.razzies.com/history/27thNoms.asp

GIK will return on Feb. 1st all bright-eyed and bushy tailed from its long winter nap.

Look to the South

2007-01-04T18:51:00.000-06:00

Let's be honest people, GIK has fucking fallen apart over the past several months. It's all apologies and broken promises. But I believe 2007 can see a rebirth for GIK, and I'm committed to making it happen. Now, I'm off to LA again in pursuit of fame and Grieco, but I shall return in about two weeks. At that point, I will be working with TGOGS to bring Ben Franklin: A Rock Opera to the stage, and I'll be working with the lovely Sherpa to prepare for our audition for VH1's World Series of Pop Culture (we're fucking ready, y'all). However, I know the month of February to be one of redemption. So come February 1st GIK will return to its former glory, and we will begin to weed out the pretenders in order to put together some kickass brackets for the second installment of Grieco Madness set to pop this March.

I beg for forgiveness, patience, and trust. We must not let Grieco be cast off into the shadows of the night. Nay! We must stand and fight. Readers, oaths you have taken! Look for my coming. On the first light of February. At dawn, look to the South.

Merry Christmas Grieco!

2006-12-22T01:32:00.000-06:00

Sorry Grieco disappeared for a while. The holidays stress him out. However, with the approaching new year everyone here at GIK has vowed to get it back together. In the meantime, have a safe and happy holiday and throw down like it was 1995. Yeah, you remember '95. That shit was dope.

Merry F'in Greico!

Holiday Prep

2006-12-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

'Sup, y'all?

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've spent the week trying to learn some of the new stuff Blogger has to offer. They've sexed things up a bit. I've also been trying to put together some bold holiday posts. Look for the posts and some changes next week.

If you can't trust Grieco, who can you trust?

Yellow Belt Fever

2006-12-07T01:41:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't followed up since the birthday celebration, but I've been focused on Kung Fu. Luckily, my work paid off and I'm now a yellow belt, which I consider to be the Grieco of the belts. Sure, it's not the coolest and some have suggested it's womanish, but it stands out in a crowd and it's good enough for a spot in a B action movie.

Grieco: Year One

2006-11-29T01:57:00.000-06:00

I’ve returned from my trips to Hollywood and Arlington (sister cities?), and it’s time to celebrate GIK’s first birthday. I wanted to look back at all we’ve accomplished over the year, and I thought the best way to do it would be to take a look at some of the comments (and the posts their linked to) that shaped the world of Grieco. The following is a collection of some of my favorites. They span almost the entire Grieco cannon, painting a clear picture of where we’ve been and perhaps where we are going.

Look Back in Greico

I feel like things really took off for GIK with the Hang Your Head in Shame posts. Part II sparked the ire of Kev, which is always fun for everybody:

How dare you, GIK... How dare you take an innocent blog used seemingly for good, and then twist it into something so hurtful. I speak, of course, of your needless assailing of Andrea Barber, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibler on Full House. She may not have her own clothing line or coke habit like the Olsen twins, but at least Ms. Barber could hold her own against the comedy stylings of Dave Coulier. Let this serve as your warning, GIK, lest you be tempted to cross the line in the future.

Kev
President and Founder,
Andrea Barber Fan Club

This one from Many, Many Movies sums up what was on everybody’s mind this year:

bts said...
Dude. Obviously Karate Dog.

You may remember that the shit started to go down with Grieco Madness, a seminal point in GIK’s history. The following is a comment that ended up shaping the entire tournament:

bts said...
i cant believe Starship Troopers is even on there... that's something else entirely. and the exclusion of Left Behind??? also, since when does Showgirls deserve a 1 seed over obvious contender Mazes and Monsters?just here to vent

Soon after BTS’ rant, Judgement was scratched and Left Behind replaced it.

The tournament gave us a glimpse into the life of a high school teacher (thanks Kev):

I present: 9 Very Grieco Degrees of Jason X/M&M:

Tom Hanks was in Busom Buddies with Wendie-Jo Sperber who was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose with Corin Nemec who was in The Stand with Gary Sinise who was in Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck who was in Good Will Hunting with far more talented brother Casey Affleck who was in a stirring remake of Hamlet with Kyle McLachlan who was in Showgirls with Gena Gershon who was directed in Crash (the soft-core lesbo-esque one, not the Oscar one) by David Cronenberg who was - blink and you may miss him - in Jason X.

I am bored.

The tournament also gave us a glimpse of pictures that weren’t even battling it out:

the ghost of gene siskel said...

Since the Saint was mentioned in passing in the this post, I'd like to announce that, in an effort to redeem myself for Blind Horizon, I watched the great Val Kilmer in The Island of Dr. Moreau last night. Echoing his hair from Top Gun, Kilmer was solid as the wacky, sadistic neuro-surgeon. Aside from, or because of, a few really bizarre acting choices - like when the unappealing Brit who's marooned on the crazy island is trying to radio for help and Kilmer shows him that he's stolen a crucial circuit board, which he is oddly balancing on top of his head - it's classic Kilmer. Brando in the title role was way too good for the film he was in, and the cast of "Cats" grunted and scampered admirably. The SFX were made on a graphing calculator. I watched until Brando got his chest ripped open by Rum Tum Tugger, then I went to bed.

Go M&M!

At 2:34 PM, Sherpa said...
hey ghost, you forgot to mention the hot interspecies orgy towards the end of "Island." Tigers and goats doin' it is super hot in my book.

And it got folks fired up about made-for-Canadian-TV movies:

obidiah said...
I hope Jason X is prepared for the thorough pantsing it will surely receive by perennial underdog Mazes and Monsters. Pardu the Holy Man can pop the trey every time, and Glacia the Fighter is clearly ready to throw down. Jason who?

But in the end, the film that without BTS’ rage never would’ve taken the floor shocked the world and won it all:

bts said...
boo yeah.
i love M/M with a heart of gold and leaves, but Left Behind is just too fucking powerful.

Speaking of rage. Mine couldn’t be stopped, leading to a frank discussion of taints:

Sherpa said...
Woooahhh there. Easy, trigger. The rage is full force! Good thing I went to bed before you.

By the way, if Carlos Mencia isn't worthy of licking Carrot Top's taint, who is? I mean, what poor bastard has that job? Especially having to do it while Carrot Top is bench pressing...his muscles are scary.

At 11:40 PM, Anonymous said...
Only Mindfreak is worthy.

At 8:35 AM, sherpa said...
There is NOOOOOOO reality!!

Perhaps the greatest thing about GIK’s first year is that even when I wasn’t talking about Grieco, others were keeping the people informed:

bts said...
whilst visiting Michigan one sunny coolish day a few months ago I happened to purchase a film, put out by the Lifetime Television concern, titled " She's Too Young". if at all possible, seek out this film and watch it. make it. it will feel very fine.

At 11:55 AM, Diana said...
Have you seen the one where a very bloated Grieco rapes a girl, then they get married because she doesn't know he's the one that raped her and knocked her up, and they have kids and he's all great then he loses his mind and starts beating her, then she tries to leave him, so he beats her some more? I saw this gem on lifetime network when I was 13, before I began avoiding lifetime like the plague.

Now for a commercial break, here are some of Anonymous’s highlights. Is he a coward for hiding his name? Perhaps. Is he actually Grieco? Goddamn I hope so:

Anonymous said...
My cousin gave himself Trapped in the Closet for Christmas. He hasn't been the same since.

Anonymous said... (In defense of Gymkata)
"Kane" doesn't even have a town of crazies. Or Olympic gymnasts. Speaking of which, if Grieco were to medal in one winter Olympic sport, which one would it be?

Anonymous said...
Why hasn't anyone mentioned Young Sherlock Holmes? I mean, there's a Coptic death cult in it.

As GIK learned to chew solid foods, I was reminded of why the lovely Sherpa is so lovely:

(In response to The Craft)
Sherpa said...
The end of the film. The scene opens in the looney bin. Nancy is tied to a bed in a padded room...

Nancy: I'm FLYING! FLYING! (crazy laugh/crying) *sniff* Ha HA! Flying!!

Oh, fuck me. Seriously, where did they get their research from?? They had only one of the proper ritual items when they "Called the Corners" (a practice which is also made up--it's usually called a Magick Circle--not a square). They had their athames (pronounced A-tha-mays), which are ceremonial daggers used to represent the male figure, but they didn't have a cauldron, a broom, a wand, and completely omitted the chalice, which is used to represent the female aspect in spells. Aren't those girls supposed to be all "Grrrl Power" and shit? Where yo chalice at, bitch? And athames aren't supposed to be used as actual weapons, Fairuza. They're symbolic, duh! Stop trying to stab everyone, yo.

Finally, the fact that there is no mention of a "goddess" deity. This "spirit" the girls try to "invoke" is named "Manaw" and is male. Who the fuck is Manaw?! There ain't no such thing!!

Ahem...sorry.

Work came and went and GIK, old enough to be left alone at 11 months, had to fend for itself for a while. But even after a year, weened from the milk of its mother’s teet, GIK is still going. More importantly, it’s still warranting talk of panties:

bts said...
i am going to be in Hollywood in December, so could you leave me like a trail of skittles to celebrity panty drawers?

At 5:18 AM, the ghost of gene siskel said...
haven't you heard? shocktarts are in. panties, out. panty drawers, however, still in.

Without you folks I would just be a crazed man ranting about bad movies while wearing his pajamas. With you, I’m that, but with like five or six readers. As my grandfather used to say, “I thank you, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you, and my Grieco thanks you.” OK, he didn’t say the Grieco thing, but if he were here I think he’d be cool with it.

Happy fucking birthday GIK!

One Year

2006-11-21T14:57:00.000-06:00

This weekend, GIK celebrated it's first birthday. Yep, Grieco has been filling our hearts and minds for a year. I totally thought this was going to last like a month at the most. I'm planning a big birthday bash, but with the holidays coming things are kind of crazy, so we'll throw down next week when everybody is back from their travels and turkey and whatnot. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to thank everyone who has kept this going for the last year. Our numbers may be small, but they are Grieco-worthy. Have a great holiday, and in the mean time, take a look back at where it all began:

And God Said, Let there be Grieco!

In 2000, I left the warm flatlands of Texas and headed north to the lake-effect-snow-covered streets of Chicago. From the moment I got there, I struggled to adjust to a city where phrases like “at least it’s above zero” and “you think this is cold? Wait ‘till February. That’s freakin’ cold” are thrown around on a regular basis. I also had trouble finding a job. That is until I saw a want-ad for telephone psychics in the paper. I can’t really describe what it was like to work for “Miss Cleo” here, because until you’ve sat in your living room and talked on the phone to a woman claiming that famed newsman Mike Wallace was dressing up in various disguises and following her around the Washington D.C. area trying to work up the courage to profess his undying love for her, you can’t really understand the job. I will say that I faced a moral dilemma (what with the giving people advice who clearly needed therapy) and a thanks mom and dad for spending thousands and thousands of dollars on my college education I’m a telephone psychic now dilemma on a daily basis. Eventually, my conscience caused me to quit, but I had lived the dream of working from home and I would never be the same.

After selling stuffed bunnies door-to-door and signing people up for speed-dating classes, I came to my senses and moved back to a warmer climate. I then worked incredibly hard to find a job that wouldn’t require me to work incredibly hard. It panned out, and I am working from home again. I don’t have the philosophical issues that I had with the psychic gig, but I do have the free time. I use that free time to watch bad movies. Many, many bad movies. Now, I’m no film critic, so I can’t get into Dutch angles or anything exciting like that. I am just a lazy man who loves watching the works of Grieco, Lundgren, and anything the Lifetime Channel has to offer; and I want to pass what I learn onto you. I make no guarantees, but I promise that I will do my best to steer you in the right direction, because I know all too well that it is a fine line between “so funny it’s good” and Battlefield Earth. I mean, look at their hands. Come on! It’s like they stole them from some kids who were getting ready to take the stage in a 3rd grade production of Beauty and the Beast. Sorry about that. I lost focus. Now, let's get serious about Grieco.

Die Die Die
The most amazing thing about this movie is that I watched it with three of my friends, and as soon as it ended none of us could remember anything about it. We were pretty sure that there was a nightclub of some sort, and one of us was almost positive that somebody did actually die. However, after eating a chicken sandwich, my senses returned and I remembered that it stars a bloated Richard Grieco (I'm sure the weight gain was for the role) and Greg Evigan (the other dad from My Two Dads). Grieco, sporting the chepaest hair plugs money can buy, plays bad guy Frank, a man who thought he had successfully doublecrossed his woman and left her for dead. Oh Grieco, will you never learn? His woman returns, and a wicked game of cat and mouse (read: gratuitous stripping and holding guns sideways) ensues, and people keep talking about some heist money. "Where's the heist money? I want the heist money," they keep saying. After a retreat to a secluded cabin and an 82-minute run time that seems like an eternity, Grieco has a death scene that leads me to believe he will play Hamlet at a dinner theatre in Winnipeg some day, and everything works out for his woman, Evigan, Sam, the raspy-voiced Judge, and Paul Reiser.

Normally, I would give a movie that is this boring a rating of 1-Grieco (see ratings chart), but I have a rule here at Grieco is King; if the actual Grieco is in the film, it automatically gets an extra Grieco and 1/2. That being said, I have to give Die Die Die 2 1/2-Griecos. Just make sure you share the experience with friends, because sometimes talking about Grieco is even more fun than watching Grieco.

Ratings

1-Grieco: There’s probably a re-run of Full House on. Watch that instead.

2-Griecos: Washed-up stars, watered-down action, and my friends are at work. What the hell.

3-Griecos: Bad religious symbolism abounds and the gunplay is damn near balletic. My Friday night is looking up.

4-Griecos: If Looks Could Kill. All I’m sayin’.

**If ever I should come across a film that rates 0-Griecos, may God have mercy on your soul.

Up and In in Beverly Hills

2006-11-15T18:28:00.000-06:00

What up, y'all? I had to stay in LA for an extra week. I'm still here and hot on the trail of Grieco. I shall return next week to tell you about my newly found tan.

To Hollywood!

2006-11-08T10:29:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all, I'm heading back to Hollywood for a spell. I shall return next week unless I meet Grieco and convince him to star in my new picture, Ghost on My Toast. It's a supernatural breakfast thriller for 'Tweens. It's gonna be awesome. Anyway, have a good week, and keep in mind that GIK will offically be one year old soon.

Drift to live.

The Twilight Tron

2006-11-01T03:15:00.000-06:00

The lovely Sherpa stumbled upon a bold piece on the Sleuth network last night. I was surprised, because I thought Sleuth just ran reruns of “Colombo,” "Magnum P.I.,” and “Miami Vice” over and over again, which of course is totally awesome. However, on this All Hallows’ Eve, they busted out with some “horror.” And thank God they did.

Nightmares
Nightmares is broken up into different parts a la The Twilight Zone movie, Creepshow, and that piece of shit about the four rooms in the hotel that Sir Quentin Tarantino was involved with. I only caught parts two and three of Nightmares, but they were a full film’s worth of kickass.

Part two follows Emilio Estevez with vaguely blonde hair on his head, a rat tail running down his neck, and the world’s largest walkman strapped to his waist. Emilio is a videogame master, and he travels through parts of NJ and nyny hustling unsuspecting players. After running afoul of a Mexican videogame gang, Emilio heads back to his mall to take on a game that features an enigmatic computer generated figure called the Bishop of Battle. There are 13 levels of the game, but nobody has ever seen anyone get to the final level. There’s rumors about a guy in Jersey having done it, but let's face it, there are rumors about a lot of guys in Jersey having done a lot of things. Anyway, Emilio turns on his giant walkman and plays to the sounds of that godforsaken rock and roll. He plays like an addict, breaking into a sweat and treating his friends and family like shit along the way. He loses on level 12 and gets booted out of the arcade at closing time. That night, he breaks into the arcade, battles the Bishop, and makes it to the final level. This, of course, involves the enemies of the game entering the real world and battling Estevez in the mall. Just when you think he’s bested the last spaceship with his video gun, he runs into the Bishop of Battle, is swallowed up in the bright blue lines of early ‘80s graphics, and becomes trapped in the game. That’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture right there, y’all.

Part 3 stars Lance Henriksen (shit yeah) as a priest who has lost his faith. As he’s driving away from the small town of his parish he is run off the road by a big ole black pickup truck with tinted windows. After some Duel-type action, the truck just disappears…until it bursts forth from the fucking ground! Some more shit happens, we see an upside down crucifix hanging from the truck’s rearview, and we know Satan is at the wheel. This led the lovely Sherpa to launch into an original song entitled “Satan Drives a Pickup Truck,” which, believe me, is a lot better than most of the crap that passes for country music these days. Henriksen somehow bests the truck, discovers it was never really there, and returns to his parish with his faith restored. Again, that’s a 3 ½-Grieco picture.

I think Part 4 had something to do with a rat and I have no idea what Part 1 was all about, but I can only hope that they were as Grieco as parts 2 and 3. I hope everyone had as spooooky a Halloween as I.

(editor note: see BTS' second comment for proof that Grieco is still holding it down.)

2-D is Played Out

2006-10-23T17:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry it took me so long to get this review finished, but my fantasy football team is preparing to do battle with a man called Anonymous, and I’ve committed all of my free time to figuring out how to hand him his first loss. Seriously, that bastard is 7-0, and that’s just ridiculous. You hear that Anonymous? Your reign of terror is coming to an end, my friend. I dare you to bench your starters. Then we’ll see how tough you are. Coward!

Wow. Now you know how truly cool I am. Anyway, let’s get down to the 3-D revolution.

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a non-IMAX movie in 3-D. I think the floating arm in Jaws 3 might actually be the last piece of 3-D brilliance I saw in the movie theater. If you’re too young to have seen an ‘80s 3-D movie, well…you’re too fucking young. You’ve also missed out on a great piece of pop culture that never really caught on. It’s a lot like the jet pack; totally kickass in every way, but for some reason not accepted by the masses.

The beauty of these old 3-D movies is that they’re just settling into the technology, so most of the 3-D action has nothing to do with the plot at all. Friday the 13th Part III featured a 20 second scene with a yo-yo going up and down, people would lay brooms and rakes down menacingly so the stick would be pointed at your eye, there was a mouse that walked towards me, popcorn exploded in my face, and a joint came my way from the requisite horror movie stoners. That’s not to say that the killing didn’t come in three dimensions, because every kill involved an object (e.g. harpoon, pitchfork) either being thrown at the victim or protruding from the victim’s back, so the audience didn’t know whether to scream, jump out of their seats to avoid the object, or laugh at the kids in the row in front of them who kept talking about Warcraft the entire movie.

I can’t do justice to the absurdity of the 3-D or to the fun of it. The lovely Sherpa and I had a great time at the movie as did everyone else in the theater. It’s ridiculous, but it’s also quaint in a way; a remnant of a decade that understood that technology shouldn’t be used for communication or study, but for making horror movies more badass and for flying around with a self-propulsion jet pack strapped to your back. That shit was important once, and I for one miss those dreamers who have long since been silenced in deference to those who want to make the Internet faster or want to cure disease. Fuck that. Get me a flying car, a hover board, and make me think a harpoon is headed for my eyeball. That’s fucking progress.

The movie gets 2 ½ -Griecos on its own. It’s horrible in every way. I mean there’s a three-person motorcycle gang that shows up for no real reason at all, and the plot holes are huge even for an ‘80s slasher picture. However, Friday the 13th Part III has vast significance on a pop culture level. It introduces Jason’s hockey mask and machete. We all know Jason’s not in the original (shut up, I’m not including the dream sequence at the end of the movie), and in Part II he wears a burlap sack and kills mainly with an axe, so the importance of Part III can’t be denied. While I believe Michael Meyers’s mask and simple blade are far more terrifying, there are few horror icons that are as recognizable as Jason’s mask and weapon of choice.

With the 3-D, the film easily gets 4-Griecos. You should all try to go see it or something like it, which brings me to my next point: The Alamo Draft House in Austin is the greatest movie theater on the planet. You should all come visit and check it out. I watched 27 hours straight of “Twin Peaks” there, I’ve seen horror movies that don’t get shown anywhere else, and that’s only a small piece of what they do.

OK. I’ve done my advertising for the day. I must now return to the land of fantasy where my second place team is readying themselves to shock the world next week.

Chin up, Passenger 57

2006-10-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all,

Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D blew my mind, and then those bits of brain flew off the screen at everybody else. I'll have a full report this week, but I'm still trying to deal with it on an emotional level. In the mean time, check out how the Grieco-worthy Snipes is trying to bring down the government. Fight on Mr. Snipes, and I shall continue to bet on black.

Spooooky!

2006-10-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

October is in full swing and I'm very excited, because it's by far my favorite month. Some might suggest that I'm selfish and only like October for it's the month of my birth. I say to those cynical pricks, "Nay, sirs. My love of October stems from my love of all things terrifying." It's true. Every movie channel this month is doing like a "13 Days of Halloween" thing, so there are going to be horror pictures on all of the time. And on top of that, tomorrow is Friday the 13th. It's like a beautiful goth dream. Speaking of beautiful goth things, the lovely Sherpa and I will be attending Friday the 13th Part III in 3-D this weekend, so expect a bold, multi-dimensional review next week. I also have a ton of horror movies on the Netflix, so it should get fucking scary around here really soon. In the mean time, I'd like to highlight some of my favorite horror movies. I'm assuming that you've seen the classics, so I'll try to focus on movies that you might have overlooked. Some are Grieco-worthy, others are just awesome:

Halloween 4 and Halloween 5: Last Halloween, I got to see Part 4 on the big screen for the first time, and it reaffirmed my belief that it's one of the coolest horror movies of all time. Now, I know that the original and Part 2 are incredible, and if you haven't seen them you truly suck. I also know that Part 3 is beyond Grieco, Part 6 is cool but has problems, and that H2O and Ressurection are abominations and a disgrace to the title "Halloween." But Parts 4 and 5 (especially 4) are damn near perfect. The kid who plays young Jamie is the best child actor ever to grace the screen, the deaths are brutal, and the Michael Meyers/Dr. Loomis scenes are on a whole other level. 4 & 5 are linked in the same way as 1 & 2, so I suggest watching them back-to-back.

Peeping Tom: BTS could probably give a better breakdown as to why this movie is important in the grand scheme of things, but I'll just say it's one of the creepiest movies I've seen, and it was way ahead of it's time. You should check it out.

Suspiria: Italinan director Dario Argento is famous among horror nerds, but I've noticed that a lot of normals haven't seen his work. The dialogue in Suspiria is ridiculous and the plot holes are larger than any gaping wound, but the look of the movie is unlike any American horror movie I've seen, the deaths are just insane, and the prog score by Goblin will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Wait Until Dark: Audrey Hepburn is a blind girl and a young Alan Arkin basically plays three different parts. It's pretty obvious that it was a play first, but it's still cool and kind of scary. Also, Hepburn is just damn cute.

Motel Hell: A Grieco-style film that has some nice gore, disgusting sound effects, and the great Rory Calhoun. Not for everyone, but I think a lot of you might get a kick out of it.

OK, I know I said I was going to gloss over the classics, but I have to say a few things. If you haven't seen the original The Omen your life has been but half lived. If you're a fan of The Exorcist you need to see the remastered version with the Death Face. That shit is messed up. If you're a fan of The Exorcist II: The Heretic give the aformentioned BTS a call, because the man knows way too much about that film. The Shining is freaking horrifying every time I wacth it, and I'm pretty sure those little girls will be waiting for me at the Gates of Hell when I die. The sister in Pet Sematary is one of the freakiest things I've ever laid eyes on, and when she says "Raaachael" I feel as though I'm the one with spinal meningitis.

That about does it for me today. Enjoy the 13th and I'll tell you if machetes really are scarier in 3-D.

Author's note: I had no spellcheck on this and I'm a horrible speller, so I'm sorry if there are any huge mistakes.

Is it March Yet?

2006-10-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

This past March we emabrked on what I believe to be the single greatest quest in the history of blogs about bad movies and my time as a telephone psychic. I am, of course, speaking of Grieco Madness. It was two weeks of head-to-head battles that separated the wheat from the Grieco or the Grieco from the chaffe or something like that. Anyway, I know March is still months away, but I'm determined to keep the dream alive and bring the tournament back for a second go around. Now, I'm sure there are movies out there that you'd like to see take a shot at winning at all. Perhaps I haven't seen some of these films or perhaps I've forgotten about them because I spend all of my time writing for The Man and his dastardly products. Who knows. Either way, I want your input on this one, so we can put together some brackets that will blow minds.

Just so you know, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force will try to pick up where the Part I left off and win another one for the Lord. Other than that, the field is wide open. Feel free to submit as many ideas as you like, but remember that the list will eventually be narrowed down to eight, and from those eight, one great champion shall rise.

Rrrrost

2006-10-03T23:23:00.000-05:00

Season three of "Lost" starts on Wednesday. I'm freaking out. I'll get back to y'all when I've recovered from the awesomeness.

Anne Hathaway's Boobs

2006-09-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Now, let’s never fight again.

Frequent GIK viewers probably know that I have a little crush on Anne Hathaway (the actor, not Shakespeare’s wife). It was brought on during a fever-induced viewing of The Princess Diaries and it has stayed with me ‘lo these many years. Just so you know, she’s older than you think, so I’m not quite as disgusting as some would have you believe. Anyway, the lovely Sherpa, knowing of my crush and harboring her own love of The Devil Wears Prada, rented us up a movie that promised to give a glimpse of Hathaway boob. Yep, Sherpa’s pretty cool that way. Now, we got boob, but we got oh so much more.

Havoc

Desperate to break out of her kid’s movie personae and to break her agent’s heart, Little Anne took on this film about the seedy underbelly of ridiculously wealthy LA teens. Like most wealthy movie teens they’re totally bored, and they deal with their boredom by acting “ghetto.” Now, “ghetto” for them isn’t your typical white kids co-opting black culture by listening to Snoop and saying “son” a lot. No, I’m talking about brawling with rival “crews,” sucking on that crack pipe, and adopting “street” voices. Seriously, Joseph Gordan-Levitt of “3rd Rock” fame sounds like a cross between a grizzled old jazzman, a middle class “Rasta” dude, and Slater from Dazed and Confused. It’s so bad that it will make you embarrassed to be white, a jazzman, middle class, Rastafarian, or human. Oh, and all of this is filmed by a classmate “filmmaker” who’s all American Beauty minus the smoldering eyes. Anyway, one night the kids decide to take things to the next level by visiting East LA and getting down with some serious dealers. The problem is that Anne’s boyfriend (played by a tool that I’ve been calling Son of Chad Michael Haircut) argues with one of the dealers, has a gun put to his head, and pisses his pants. You’d think this would end the poor little rich kids’ foray into “being real,” but it doesn’t. Anne actually goes back and befriends the dealer (Six Feet Under’s Freddie Rodriguez just cashing checks). Soon she and her friend (socialite Bijou Philips) are drawn into the “gang,” which at first just seems to be a lot like my insane extended Italian family but with more guns and a better understanding of volume control. Unfortunately, things turn ugly as Bijou learns first hand about the evils of drugs and violent group sex. There’s a rape scene that might or might not have been rape or something, and some attempted suicide, Anne simulating masturbation, and a collection of other scenes that I’ve tried to wash away, but I still just feel dirty. Eventually Anne’s boyfriend and his crew (JG-L included) mount up to regulate and bring justice to the bangers that may have violated Bijou and definitely made that one guy piss. They storm in, guns held high, and discover a group of young mothers with even younger babies. There’s some screaming, some crying, and a lot of learning, y’all. In the end, Anne learns to be herself. She loses the fake voice, leaves the ghetto, and realizes that her rich friends are no better than anyone else or something.

This movie sucks in a way that’s hard to imagine. However, there are some highlights. Michael Biehn plays Anne’s dad, and you know everything that man does is pure gold, and there are some decent songs on the soundtrack. Other than that, it’s horrible. The only person who walks away from Havoc looking good is Bret Easton Ellis. I mean, at least the young rich douchebags he wrote about were entertaining enough to be played by Spader, Downey Jr., and McCarthy. I’m giving Havoc 1 ½-Griecos. And just so you know, the extra ½ is for Biehn, not boobs. Although….

The Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2006-09-22T16:34:00.000-05:00

Dear “Grieco is King” Readers,

I was scanning your precious Internet in search of a Thai hooker I once laid down with while I was shooting an as yet unreleased picture with Sean Astin and the kid from “Mr. Belvedere.” I wanted to get her take on the recent military coup that’s occurred in her homeland. My search led to only one dead end after another, and alas I could not find my sweet Ratchanee. Perhaps she fled before the revolution came or perhaps she’s grown weary of the stench of cheap whiskey and blowjobs. I know not. What I do know is that the search for my beloved brought me to this site, a seemingly once-fruitful pursuit now helmed by a coward. That’s right. I said it. This “#5,” if that is his real name, dares to invoke the name of Grieco time and time again only to then shy away from his duty and slink off in shame. “I’m too busy,” he says. “Work is hard,” he says. Please. Try doing lines off a stripper’s ass and convincing her you still have some pull in Hollywood. That’s freaking hard. But I have strayed from the point. I say this to you now #5 and to all who may read my words; as long as there is breath in this body and fire in these loins I shall remain your King. So #5, cast off these chains of oppression, rise up to meet your fear, and reclaim your rightful place by my side. This, I command!

--RG

I Fear the End is Nigh

2006-09-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

A foul wind blows in the East, and I am told that the reign of Grieco may be coming to an end.

MFSoaMFP

2006-08-21T17:13:00.000-05:00

Hey y’all, it’s been far too long since Grieco has brought us together. I’m still dealing with work and travel, but there are moments in a man’s life when he must set aside such foolish pursuits and focus on what’s important. Today is such a moment, for I have something to share with you. I think that last night I saw the greatest piece of cinema ever. Nay! The greatest piece of anything ever.

Snakes on a Plane
(This review is brought to you by Red Bull. Red Bull; when you’re tired of being a pussy.)

We open on the lush landscape of one of the Hawaiian Islands (I don’t think they tell us which one). A motocross type flies by on his bike as the sun and tropical fruit highlight his bone structure and his can of Red Bull. Everything’s great until a man (the biker’s dad) falls, suspended from a tree and tells his son to hide. Then, a Hawaiian-Yakuza-dude (yes, the fucking Yakuza is everywhere) shows up and beats the dad to death with a bat and then has a quick one-liner whilst covered in the dead man’s blood. The biker kid speeds off, and the Yakuza guy decrees that the boy (a Chad Michael Haircut type but less offensive) must die. The kid hides out in his room surrounded by cases of Red Bull stacked almost ceiling-high and worries for his life. His worry isn’t unfounded as some Yakuzaish dudes show up at his pad ready to kill, but before they can, Samuel L. Jackson busts in, fires off some rounds, and gets away with the kid. He takes him downtown where a can of Red Bull is neatly displayed in an evidence bag (I shit you not). As the kid (I have no idea what his character’s name is) thinks about his situation he utters the Pinteresque line, “Last week I was planning a surfing trip to Bali,” and the crowd erupts. SLJ convinces the kid to testify back in Los Angeles, and the movie really starts.

The Yakuza folk have sprayed all of the passengers leis with a pheromone that apparently turns snakes into indiscriminate killing machines with a blood lust that cannot be quenched or slaked or sated or whatever it is you try to do with blood lust. But before the mighty reptiles emerge we get a chance to meet the cast of characters: a flight attendant who is one day away from becoming a lawyer (played by a somewhat confused Juliana Margulies); a Paris Hilton type with a dog in her purse; a germophobic rapper named 3 Gs; a chick with a baby; a Brit who actually has the line “Fucking Americans;” some honeymooners; and Keenan of Good Burger and SNL fame.

All right, here we go. Two attractive young people are going mile-high in the lavatory when Boom! Snake on a tit! Yeah, you know it. Then Bam! Snake on a dick! Man, that smarts. From there, it’s pure chaos and flippant dialogue. We get snakes on a boosh, snakes in an ocular cavity, and everything in between. There’s pus, blood, vomiting (Gratuitous? Maybe. Awesome? Indeed.) Oh, the lovely Sherpa would like me to point out that none of the CGI snakes even closely resembles anything that would actually be found in nature. While I’m not near the bio-nerd that she is, I was surprised by the excessive use of bright blue and devil horns. Anyway, the pilots die; SLJ, Queequeg in nature, harpoons a snake; some shit gets burned; the rapper pulls a gun; love blossoms all around; and some truly awesome deaths and equally awesome lines occur at a sidewinder’s pace (sorry). There’s some shit going down on the ground with a scientist that I really wanted to be Jeff Goldblum, but that subplot is totally unimportant. Eventually, Keenan (who’s a Playstation flight simulator addict by the way) takes the stick and lands that bird in LA, and the crowd goes batshit crazy. SLP and Margulies plan a date, the biker kid (remember him?) takes a snake and two slugs in the bullet-proof vest, and he and SLJ go surfing together. Seriously, they go surfing. Cue music video. Now, I wanted the video to be for a rap that 3 Gs wrote in order to cope with his whole snakes on a plane ordeal, but instead it was a video for the righteous theme song from the movie.

Nothing I say will do Snakes on a Plane Justice. It makes Anaconda look like Anaconda 2: Search for the Blood Orchid. If the folks behind Boa vs. Anaconda over at SciFi saw it, they would simultaneously weep and masturbate. I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about SLJ. He’s the Jim McMahon of film. I have to make it to Hollywood in time to write Snakes on a Plane 3: Tokyo Drift. I just have to. So here it is. I’m giving the movie 5-Griecos. That’s right, my friends, I’m creating a new GIK rating just for Snakes on a Plane. 4-Griecos can’t hold this picture; it’s just too damn big for that. Go see it at a theater where you can eat, drink, and yell things at the screen. It will make it even better. And drink some Red Bull, or you might not have the energy to make it through.

Visit this guy’s MySpace page to hear the aforementioned righteous theme song, and visit Moron.NL to get the lyrics for said song.

I miss you like Grieco misses Holly Robinson Peete, but I’ll return in full force on September 5th.

Keep it effing snakes, y’all!

Vacation Update

2006-08-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly getting things under control with work, and I should be finished with my world traveling in a few weeks. Look to the West during the first week of September for Grieco's return, for the gates of Hell cannot hold him forever.

Summer Vacation

2006-08-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

It's clear that Grieco has struggled of late.

I haven't been able to overcome the issues of work, and therefore I haven't been able to watch any movies. That's why at this time I'm declaring it GIK summer vacation. I have some trips coming up, and I still have to deal with the Man on a regular basis. For the next month, GIK entries will be few and far between, but I swear that after August I shall throw off the shackles of tyranny and quit one of the three jobs that I'm currently working, restoring GIK to its rightful place atop my priority list. Do not, dear friends, forsake me in this time of peril, for together we can return to those glorious days of yore when four posts per week were commonplace and my DVR was filled with Olsen Twin movies and everything the SciFi channel had to offer. These dark times shall pass, and Grieco shall reign once more.

Look to the East.

Drift to live.

Pictures of Grieco

2006-08-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

I've been looking so long at these pictures of Grieco that I almost believe that they're real.

The Dreams of Dylan McKay

2006-07-31T17:10:00.000-05:00

So I’ve gotten way back into 90210 reruns. They’re kind of the only thing getting me through the work week at this point. I watch two episodes a day, but I fast-forward any scene that Andrea is in and any scene where Jamie “How Do You Talk to an Angel” Walters picks up his guitar, so it only takes me about an hour to knock out both. Anyway, I’m immersed in the Brenda’s-gone-but-sweet-Kelly-Kapowski-has-come-to-take-her-place-
only-she's-not-sweet-but-kind-of-evil episodes. You know, where Brandon is always talking about the “task force” and Steve looks like he’s 45. Anyway, I just saw what might be the most ridiculous piece of television ever created. Dylan has turned to booze, tits (Tiffany Amber’s) and speed balls to cope with the fact that his dad blew up in a car and the people he thought were his family (dead dad’s ex-lover and Dylan's half-sister) were actually grifters and they convinced him to put all of his money into an environmental science venture, but then they actually robbed him of his millions and headed out of the country. So, Dylan does a little coke and a little horse and drives his car off a cliff. That brings us to the episode that we need to talk about.

“The Dreams of Dylan McKay”
Dylan is in a coma and the director just watched a David Lynch movie. This “dreamscape” episode will give you more laughs than even the finest comedy. They want it to have the feel of "Twin Peaks," but it kind of comes off like this psychological softcore I once caught where this girl experiences a sexual awakening in the moments of her death and nothing is what it seems. Anyway, the dialogue is amazing, and the bold attempts at surrealism (e.g., midget in a costume, drug dealer in the hellmouth, doctors and nurses in pseudo fetish gear) are more Grieco than Grieco. It’s almost impossible to make it through the entire episode even when you do fast-forward Andrea (who,by the way, makes Steve look youthful), but if you come across it you should definitely give it a shot. I know it’s TV, but I’m giving it 3 ½-Griecos.

Happy Birthday BTS!

2006-07-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

Friday is BTS' birthday. He, like myself, has now reached the age of 30. Sure, we're both doing well in our older age, but we shant sleep until Shrift, our Goth-rave-double-crucifixion-laden retlelling of Footloose comes to the big screen and takes the world by storm. Anyway, in honor of BTS, I am reposting the final game of the first-ever Grieco March Madness tournament, which BTS won. Happy Birthday, dude.

Mazes and Monsters vs. Left Behind

What a long strange Grieco it’s been. We have finally made it to the championship and things have turned out a bit differently than I thought they would, which is kind of strange because, you know, I pick who wins. Anyway, the #1 and #2 seeds have all fallen by the wayside, leaving us with a head-to-head battle between (3)Mazes and Monsters from the Boxleitner Bracket and (4)Left Behind from the Voight Bracket. Both films have proven time and time again that they have what it takes to win it all. In order to decide who walks away with the trophy I now turn my focus to an aspect of the films that has not been fully explored: the supporting casts.

Upper-crust Gamers vs. A Man Called Carpathia
We already know about Tommy Hanks and Kirk "Big Baby" Cameron. Both have lead their films to the final game and both have earned a spot in the GIK Hall of Fame (to be housed in Des Plaines, IL). That brings us to the rest of the players.The fact that the Hamptons-dwelling Ivy League types in Mazes and Monsters even play "Mazes and Monsters" makes them an intriguing bunch. Each brings his or her own take on what it is to be a Frenetic, a Holy Man, a “Maze Controller,” or a Fighter. The standout of the group is Frelich (Chris Makepeace of My Bodyguard fame) who, in the so-called real world, wears a different wacky hat in almost every scene and tries to kill himself. It is Frelich who leads the group to the abandoned mines, it is Frelich who comes up with the costumes from the theatre department, and it is Frelich who brings the embodiment of a Gorvil to life through his imagination and some clever lighting. In fact, in the beginning you kind of think Frelich is the one who’s gonna go batshit crazy. Now, we’ve talked about the way the gamers deliver their lines in that earnest fashion, but I have to admit at times there is a weird feeling as though they (Frelich included) might just give up the gaming and start getting it on with each other in some sort of bizarre staged reading of the as yet un-produced, Magik: A Sexy Gathering.

The whole underground revolutionary group that’s trying to bring down the Antichrist in Left Behind is top-rate. There’s the pilot whose whole family (minus his angry daughter) got taken up to heaven, but he didn’t because he was banging a stewardess (Kirk’s real-life wife) who is now going to work for the U.N. There’s the hypocrite preacher, and there's the hot girl who’s real sweet and knows a lot about computers but wasn’t saved because she has pagan tattoos and is obviously way into sex. However, it is the Cold-War-style Nicolae Carpathia who truly elevates the film. He oozes evil and communism and that’s totally what you want from the guy who will bring Hell to the world until, you know, “He cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen,” or something like that. Carpathia has the cold stare and charming smile of the Son of Lucifer. I mean, he’s so cool I’m pretty sure that more than one young Christian has caught himself rooting for The Beast.

The Winner
This is it, y’all. We’re finally here. Mazes and Monsters has captured the hearts and minds of many a GIK reader. Some would even say that the commissioner has developed a bias for this bold piece that tries its best to make nerds (rich or otherwise) look like freaked-out mental cases who want so desperately to be included that they’ll immerse themselves completely in a world of fantasy. However, their HP has hit 0 and their Level 4 Druid’s got nothing left in his pouch. The polyhedron die rolls no more! Left Behind is just perfect in every way. It’s structure, FX, acting, and design want so badly to be a mega-hit. You can almost hear the director arguing with himself as he debates whether or not to throw in some witty line like “Suck on that, Antichrist,” only to accept at the last minute that he isn’t making a Hollywood picture, he's making an anti-Hollywood picture. Left Behind, ignored in the original bracket, resurrects itself to become the first ever GIK tournament champion! That's right baby! You left Mr. Cameron open on the outside and he knocked down the key threes all night! I'm talkin to you Rona Jaffe! Your kids' fantasy novel was good but you couldn't hold off the Lord! That young man's a real diaper dandy and if he stays in school he's gonna be cutting down a lot of nets!Congratulations to Kirk and the gang, and thanks to all of you who have stuck with this thing over the last two weeks.

I miss Phil Hartman, y'all.

2006-07-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

Man, they started showing reruns of "News Radio" (one of the greatest shows of all time) on Nick at Nite, and one of the episodes I watched last night was the one where John Ritter comes to the station as Dr. Frank. It made me sad. I've never really gotten over the Phil Hartman thing, and Ritter is a genius in my book. I don't know. It just sucks. If anyone has a specific episode of "News Radio," "SNL," or "Three's Company" that they belive highlights the comic gifts of these two men, I'd love to chat about them, or if there's a movie out there that I've missed starring one or the other or both please let me know.

On a Grieco note: I'm trying to get work in order and then I shall make yet another triumphant return to the world of brilliant cinema.

Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

2006-07-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note that has nothing to do with Grieco or bad movies. Some of you might be interested to know that after many years "Pinky and the Brain" and "Animaniacs" are coming out on DVD tomorrow. I don't know how you feel about these shows, but the episode of "Pinky and the Brain" in which Pinky designs shiny pants in order to bring the world closer together is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on television. If you never watched them when you were too old to be watching them anyway, you should check them out now. There are far too few cartoons about the quest for world domination these days.

Real Dragons, Bro. Real Dragons

2006-07-19T19:26:00.000-05:00

If you’re a regular GIK reader you know that I’m a big fan of dragon pictures. I’ve delved into the lore of the mighty beast of yore by reviewing such films as Darkest Knight and Dragonslayer, and Reign of Fire is secretly one of my favorite movies. But my friends I do believe I may have just seen the boldest dragon film of all time. A masterpiece that leaves the others lying in a heap of tarnished gold much like the one that ancient Smaug did lord over.

Dragon’s World: A Fantasy Made Real
The lovely Sherpa surprised me with this gem, having sneaked it on to our Netflix list without me knowing, and thank Odin she did. Dragon’s World was made for animal planet and it’s set up as a documentary (actually two interconnected documentaries) that presupposes the existence of dragons. One of the documentaries is basically “Walking with Dragons.” It uses the same effects as the “Walking with Dinosaurs,” “Walking with Humans,” “Walking with Pants,” etc. This portion of the film follows the evolution of the dragon from prehistoric times to the middle ages. It starts with a scene of a dragon battling a T. Rex, which is pretty much like every dream I had when I was seven. It then explains how the dragon survived the catastrophic event that killed the dinosaurs (there was a water dragon, y’all). After that, it follows the dragon’s reemergence in Asia and its eventual noble last stand against some honorless knights in the Romanian Mountains.

Now, the Walking with Dragons-type piece is intercut with a documentary about a modern day hipster paleontologist who is the laughingstock of the scientific community because he believes in dragons. Well, wouldn’t you know that a strange carcass shows up in the mountains of Romania and he flies off to check it out. Of course, it’s the skeleton of a dragon, and he eventually finds a dragon’s nest, or lair if you will, and discovers the remains of the mighty female dragon that has become the protagonist of the other documentary (note: the “Walking with” portion of the film is narrated by Ian Holm. That’s Bilbo, bitches.)

This piece is awesome. I mean it has all of these pseudoscientific explanations as to why the dragon could fly and breathe fire, and to one who wants to believe they sound totally plausible. I imagine to an objective viewer they sound ridiculous, but screw objective viewers, I’m talking about freaking dragons. I do, however, wish one of the explanations would have been “it could fly because it was effing magick y’all,” but somehow that must have ended up on the cutting room floor. I’m still giving this movie or special or whatever it is 4-Griecos, though. Seriously, you have to see it. Oh, and they totally hint that dragons might still be out there. Chip Chip!

The Return of Clubber

2006-07-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

I shit you not. Rocky and Clubber have returned. One shall step back into the ring and the other shall commentate. If you haven't watched the trailer for Rocky Balboa (clever title), you must do so immediately.

Pants!

2006-07-14T11:16:00.000-05:00

I had a chance to sip free cola and eat free BBQ at a bold corporate music event last night. Some doucebag won $20,000 for writing a song that I'm pretty sure one of my cats could bang out, and the featured guest of the evening, Macy Gray, didn't show. I imagine she was wandering the streets of Austin, desperate to get her hands on some crack and potato salad. Anyway, she wasn't missed, for a band called Pants from the noble state of North Carolina did fill the mighty hall with purest metal. Yes, a friend that I've known since first grade is in the band, but that kinship did not sway my opinion. Pants' "Pants: A Rock Opera" simply kicks ass. To quote my aforementioned friend, "The rock is pure danger." Even if the ancient art of turning base music into gold is lost on you, you must check out Pants. Seriously, they trotted out a bald, tatooed Monk character who can totally wail in front of a middle-aged corporate crowd, and they have a song about the fearsome Double Snake, a creature that is too terrifying even to discuss, because it's like two snakes. It was awesome. Listen for yourself at http://pantsrocks.com/

Pants promo photo is taken from pantsrocks.com and is subject to copyright.

The Dreaded Re-run

2006-07-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

The year is more than half over and I'm trying to adjust to my new work schedule, so I thought it would be a good time to look back at the predictions I made at the beginning of the year to see how I was doing. Just so you know, Ocean's 13 is in pre-production and a shark kind of flies in that stupid Uma Thurman super ex-girlfriend movie. The Cubs...well that's another story. Oh, and in my humble opinion, I think if you missed the last GIK post you missed a pretty good one, so check it out.

2006: Year of the Grieco
When I arrived in my hometown of Dallas for Christmas I realized that I hadn’t gotten enough presents for my friends and family. In a last minute effort to rectify the situation I drove my sweet-ass Hyundai to what I’m fairly sure is the largest Tom Thumb in the world. After grabbing various gift cards, several “holiday” bags of Cheetohs, and a nutcracker that does the running man I headed to the checkout line. While the woman in front of me complained about how she just couldn’t find Steak-ums anymore, I perused the tabloids as I am wont to do. All of the best ones (those in black & white) were offering their predictions for the coming year. There are too many forecasts to cover, but let’s just say you, me, and the world’s fattest baby are in for some serious stuff in ’06.

Reading these predictions made me realize that for too long I have neglected the one-hour training I received from some guy in Louisiana when I got my telephone psychic job. I decided to give my powers of prognostication a workout and to do my best to make the actress who played Miss Cleo proud. Wait. Kids, I’m only joking. There really is a Miss Cleo, and on one special night each year she dresses up in a quasi-Jamaican accent and tells all the good boys and girls who have lovers in prison, a fear of dying alone, or an unquenchable thirst for Pop-Tarts and Robitussin exactly what they need to do to make everything OK. Whew! That was close. I would never forgive myself if I ruined things for the little ones. Anyway, without further Grieco, here are my predictions for the New Year.

1. It will finally be revealed that Sarah Jessica Parker is actually that nerdy dude who plays Mitch in Real Genius.

2. My prayers will be answered and Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe, and Eva Longoria will be sucked into a worm hole and deposited on a planet where drunken louts, overrated boorish Aussies, and photo-op whores are forced to work as production assistants on a straight-to-video re-imagining of Godspell.

3. In fulfillment of Prophecy, Grieco’s post-apocalyptic wasteland zombie picture, Raiders of the Damned, will shock the world and break all previous opening weekend box office records.

4. Dako Fa-Fa will raise an army of super-intelligent spider monkeys bent on world domination. She’ll also take on the role of a 12 year-old Eleanor Roosevelt in a life-spanning biopic that will also star Charlize Theron and Shirley MacLaine. All three women will be simply delightful in the film.

5. Sharks will take to the sky.

6. The Cruise-Holmes baby will be born and it’s ability to manipulate both time and space will make us all feel bad for doubting Scientology luminaries like Vinnie Barbarino, Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, and that chick who played Dharma.

7. Ocean’s 13 will go into production, but the level of self-satisfaction and masturbatory filmmaking involved will actually cause Soderbergh and the entire cast (except Don Cheadle) to explode in a brilliant display over Clooney’s Lake Como villa.

8. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.

9. Special Agent Dale Cooper will get out of the Black Lodge

10. You, gentle reader, will pass this post onto ten of your friends, thus keeping the chain alive. After all, Chet Dinkins of Missouri failed to pass this post on in the allotted time and three days later he found himself working in a call center selling radio ads disguised as PSAs to people who despised him from the moment they heard his voice, while the middle-aged women in the ½-cubicles next to him showed each other the shirts they had made with iron-on pictures of their cats and the guy across the aisle talked about how the community bathroom in the men’s boarding house he lived in was a great place to practice his singing even though it reeked of month-old urine. OK, that was totally me. I had that job in Chicago. There is no Chet Dinkins. But still, if you could pass this on to even like one or two people it would totally help me out, because Burning Man is coming up and I really need something nice to wear.

Thank Grieco It's Friday

2006-07-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve returned to the regular workforce. It was a sad day, but my current situation has driven me to leave the house and join the rest of the world in long commutes and fluorescent lighting. Truth be told, it’s a pretty cool job, and very soon it will be a part-time gig, so I’ll still get to spend a few days a week working in my robe. But it took me only two full days in the office to remember how tired the whole real job thing makes me. By the time 11:00 rolled around on Friday night I was exhausted. I took the opportunity to sip on some magic juice, recline on the couch, and settle in for a weekend fit for a fifty year-old. Then, something beautiful happened. As I scanned through various channels, I came upon the Lifetime Movie Network, and I (along with the lovely Sherpa) was able to catch the last half-hour of a Grieco piece I didn’t even know existed.

It was Him or Us
We were thrust right into the action. A sweaty, semi-bloated Grieco is holding his ex-girlfriend and her parents (the mom is played by Anne Jillian) hostage at gunpoint. As he swigs from a non-descript bottle of booze and sniffs continually as though he’s just dying for some coke, Grieco alternates between moments of quiet rage and moments of yelling rage. Seriously, the switch between the two happens on like every line, so Grieco looks kind of like a maniac and kind of like he was giving the director two different takes on the character to choose from, but the director just decided to combine them. As Grieco berates his ex for cheating on him or pretending to cheat on him (it got a little confusing), he wears his sleeveless vest thing with pride and sports eyebrows that are clearly not of this world. Amidst the profuse sweating and stumbling around the house for no apparent reason, Grieco shouts lines like “I’m not stupid!” and “I’m not dense!” with the force of fallen star. As subtlety gets murdered inside the home, the police negotiator tries to talk Grieco down from the outside. (note: one of the cops or something is played by Will Wheaton. The unstoppable Grieco/Wheaton combination would resurface later in a little film I like to call Book of Days.) Anyway, the negotiator brings Grieco’s mom in to try and talk him down, and this makes Grieco start saying all of his lines like a little kid. It’s fucking awesome. OK, so Grieco drops the ex’s dad by whacking him over the head with a rifle, thus raising the stakes and making it imperative for the family to escape and take the old man to the hospital. While the ex-girlfriend distracts Grieco, Ann Jillian climbs through a hole in the basement ceiling, fights through some serious editing problems, gets out of the house, sneaks back into the room where she keeps her .22, and moves in on Grieco who is yelling to the ex, “Our love can’t survive this universe. We’ll be together in another universe!” Ann Jillian then has a sweet slow-mo entrance, and as Grieco turns to see her, she kills him, because…you know…it was him or us.

I can only assume that Acts I and II of this picture are as totally Grieco as Act III. I know I mentioned the man’s eyebrows already, but they’re really doing the work up there, and one of Ann Jillian’s kids who escapes to the outside before the shit goes down is played by little Virgin Camden from “7^th Heaven” sporting a wicked mullet. As you know, if Grieco appears in a film it automatically gets an extra 1 ½-Griecos. Now, I don’t feel right judging the entire movie, not having seen how Grieco came to have a rifle, a pistol he holds sideways, and a few hostages, but I do feel comfortable giving the final 30 minutes of It was Him or Us 4-Griecos (see ratings).

Next Friday, if work has beat you down, flip on the old Lifetime Movie Network, you might just be pleasantly surprised. I mean, y’all need to learn more about a woman who was lured into having an affair by a charming older man only to find out that he was married and secretly hated retarded children, so to get even she took up a post as a crossing guard at the school where his daughter went and tempted the child with lollipops and moonbeams and then kidnapped her, demanding that her father publicly humiliate himself by stating in a court of law that he was both an adulterer and a hater of the mentally challenged, but in the end she learns that she doesn’t need to get even to be strong, she only needs herself… she only needs herself, y’all.

Happy ID4!

2006-07-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

Dear World,

I hope everyone had a great holiday celebrating our victory over the invading aliens. Things looked bleak in those days of battle, but thanks to our former-war hero Amercian President, a hip street-smart scientist, a drunken lout, a fast-talikng pilot, a variety of stereotypes, and some really bad dialogue, victory was ours!

Let us not forget those who fell in this war against the aliens that kind of look like a hybrid of the alien from Alien and the Predator from Predator, but look nothing like the aliens from Alien vs. Predator (AVP if you're nasty). Yes, we lost many along the way: the gay Jewish man who seemed to encapsulate both of the those noble groups with his sheer subtlety; the pseudo-hippy-flower-child who welcomed the aliens (and starred in "Saved by the Bell: The College Years") only to be destroyed atop the Los Angeles skyline; and the First Lady, who before she died, passed on some comforting words to the lovely stripper who will make the aformentioned cocksure pilot a heck of a wife.

We must now remain focused on the goals ahead and guard ourselves against further attacks from these aliens in a sequel that I can't believe hasn't been made. Seriously, it seemed like a no-brainer, but I guess Hollywood was more concerned with chronicling Riddick and breaking back mountains. However, the threat of future alien attacks is always present, and therefore we must never drop our guard or take our liberty for granted, for if we do, the aliens have already won.

#5

Oh My Goth!

2006-06-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

The Craft
I caught the last half of The Craft on TV last night. It’s a movie I’ve seen several times, but for some reason I haven’t yet given it it’s proper GIK due. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of ‘90s history, it follows a coven of California teenage witches doing their best to set themselves apart from those damn preppies and to wear black stockings under black shorts with floor-length black cape/jackets and way too much makeup on their faces. Three of them have been doing pretty well achieving these tasks, but they don’t really get serious until our heroine Robin Tunney shows up. Turns out, her dead mama was a witch, and she’s got natural powers that go far beyond the crap the other girls learned from books. Seizing the opportunity, the leader of the Coven (the always slightly terrifying/somewhat more terrifying Fairuza Balk) brings Tunney into the circle and invokes some ancient Pagan god that Sherpa assures me is not found in any of the Wicca books she read while listening to the works of Robert Smith and Mr. Martin L. Gore in high school. Anyway, with the aid of this spirit, Fairuza becomes wicked powerful and wicked wicked, killing poor Skeet Ulrich along the way. In the end, Tunney must overcome her fears, accept her power as a witch, invoke the Spirit on her own, and take down Fairuza. She does, and all is happy again.

Now, I have enjoyed The Craft every time I’ve watched it. Most of all because it’s like a contest of bad acting. Seriously, someone will come on the screen, and the next person to enter seems to say, “Please. You thought that was bad. Watch this shit that I’m bringing to the table.” Everyone is so horrendous it’s hard to choose a winner. Neve Campbell (as one of the witches) has this scene where she keeps asking the Spirit (Maintenant, perhaps?) to “take my scars” over and over, and it’s just hilarious. Even the vaguely Portuguese woman who runs the candle/sacred feminine-laden magic shop is just simply awful in her two scenes. Seriously, people are so bad, that young Skeet comes off looking like a star even though he clearly sucks. In the end, though, the true contest appropriately boils down to protagonist and antagonist. The lockjaw-mumbling-I’m-not-gonna-look-at-anybody charm of Tunney vs. the I’ll-chew-up-this-freaking-couch-and-then-I’ll-rip-your-dick-off-with-my-eyes bravura display of Balk. It’s really hard to decide. We reached the point where we thought whichever one was speaking at the time was truly the worst. However, when all was said and done I had to give it to Balk, because her final freak-out in the mental institution kind of blows everything else away. Congrats Fairuza, you’re a champ. (note: This isn’t the first time Fairuza has played a witch. As a child, she appeared as the titular character in The Worst Witch alongside Tim Curry and TV’s Mrs. Garrett. JK Rowling clearly stole the plot of this film for her so-called “Harry Potter” series.)

I’m giving The Craft 3-Griecos (see ratings). It makes me happy, and I don’t know why, and that makes me even happier. I suggest watching it with a former Goth kid, so she can point out all of the inaccuracies when the girls “call the corners,” use their little knives, and do other stuff to make their daddies mad.

Ode to a Fallen Mustang

2006-06-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

If you haven't already heard, Aaron Spelling died this week. Not only was Mr. Spelling a Dallas native and a fellow SMU Mustang, he was responsible for the majority of entertainment I have enjoyed in my life: "Charlie's Angels," "Dynasty," "Hart to Hart," "90210," and the greatest nightime soap of all time "Melrose Place" (you may remember that Melrose's Billy was an SMU grad on the show). Because of Mr. Spelling, the illustrious Kev and I had a chance to fly out to LA for free, stay in a ridiculous hotel, and meet the "Models Inc." girls at Universal Studios, and while he may not have been directly involved with "Saved by the Bell," you know he was partly responsible for bringing what is perhaps the most important pop culture mainstay of mine (and Kev's) life to TV. I'm not very good at sounding serious, so I'll let two people who actually knew the man sum it up:

"'He was undoubtedly the greatest producer of popular television during the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s," Joan Collins, who starred in the producer's hit "Dynasty," said Monday. "'I shall always be grateful to him for insisting I play the role of Alexis Carrington on `Dynasty.'"

Heather Locklear, star of Spelling's "Melrose Place," said Monday she was sad to hear of Spelling's death, adding: "'He called me his lucky penny (because Spelling shows she was in were hits) but I am the lucky one because he graced me with his encouragement and talent.'"
(From Forbes.com)

In honor of Aaron Spelling, I suggest that you all scan the Soap Network and catch a rerun of "Melrose," or relive the beauty that is Brenda and Dylan. If not, go rent "T.J. Hooker." It'll blow your mind.

RIP

Buena Park

2006-06-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

There reached a point when I was living in Chicago when everyday became pretty much exactly the same as the one before. I was unemployed at the time, and it wasn’t one of those I’m-really-excitied-and-optimistic-about-the-prospect-of-finding-a-new-job kinds of unemployment. It was more like an I-can’t-believe-I-couldn’t-get-a-job-working-the-front-counter-at-a-fucking-cleaners kind of unemployment. If you’ve never been there, I’ll try to illuminate the situation. You reach the point where you get beaten down so much that you basically give up and you start to revel in the unemployed lifestyle. Sure, you’re totally broke and a little bit suicidal, but you know that regardless of what happens during the day, you don’t have to do a damn thing, and that’s comforting. Anyway, my days during this period (and this was a very long period) began at around 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon. I had started going to bed at 9:00 AM, so things got turned around pretty quickly. I would start the day by looking through the “help wanted” sections of the papers and circling jobs that I had absolutely no intention of following up on. Then my mom would call, and I’d tell her I had some good prospects. Then, if it wasn’t too late I’d try to catch the last couple of innings of the Cubs day game. A couple days of the week, my friends would stop by to make sure I hadn’t gone completely insane, but you know they had to work and be a part of humanity and stuff, so there were many nights I didn’t see anyone. I’d head out on my nightly quest for pizza (sweet Bojonno’s) and porn. Yep, ‘cause no matter how broke you are, you can always dig up money for a slice and some porn. Well, one of these nights as I walked home with pizza in my hand and adult entertainment shamefully hidden in my backpack, I was stopped when I got to my street. One look at the guy’s neck and his white polo-style shirt told me he was a security guard. At first, I thought they had outlawed porn and they’d finally caught up with me. Pissed that I would be going to jail and that I would never know how the intriguing “H.R. Muff n’ Stuff” series would turn out, I thought about making a run for it. Then, I pulled myself together and remembered that security guards can’t arrest you for porn. Except perhaps in Arkansas. God, I hate that state.

“Where you goin’?” The security guard asked.
“Home,” I said.
“Where’s that?”

I pointed to my sweet pad down the street, and he nodded as if to give me permission to continue walking. He then proceeded to follow me to the door of my apartment building. As I walked, I noticed trucks filled with lights, dudes running chords everywhere, and a crafts service station. Then I remembered, they were filming Dragonfly on my block and sweet Kevy Costner was only a few doors away.

Dragonfly
Dragonfly starts out with a heavy Mothman feel. Costner’s pregnant wife dies while trying to bring some much needed doctorin’ to the needy and the indigenous tribes of somewhere in South America, and her body is never found. Costner, a doctor too, starts receiving messages from beyond via his wife’s former-children-cancer-patients-who-have-had-near-death- experiences. These spunky dying little ones, it seems, cross over on a regular basis, and when they return from the Other Side to their beds in a made up Chicago hospital they start drawing strange pictures (sadly not of a mothman) and telling Costner that his wife needs to speak to him. Meanwhile, Costner starts losing his mind back in my old neighborhood. Kathy Bates (go SMU Mustangs!) tries to help him with her wisdom and bizarre haircut, but nothing seems to work. Not even the parrot he lives with can help him out. Some creepy stuff kind of happens, but it’s never really creepy enough. Eventually, Costner meets up with a nun who knows what’s what. The nun is played by the incomparable Linda Hunt, whom you may remember as Ilsa Grunt in a picture I like to call If Looks Could Kill starring Richard effing Grieco. Anyway, eventually with the help of the nun and some of his rafting buddies, Costner tracks down the place where his wife died, and a spirit-vision he has as he’s drowning leads him to the the village of an ancient tribe where he finds….wait for it…his daughter. Yep, the tribe saved the unborn baby from its mother’s womb and raised it until her dead spirit could lead Costner back to it. Just take a second for that to sink in. OK. Got it? You know, I should’ve seen it coming, but I told by myself no way are they going to trot the freaking baby out. Maybe his wife’s body, or some dragonfly bullshit, because his wife had a dragonfly-shaped birthmark don't you know, but the baby? Please. I can’t even---goddamnit how does this crap get made?!

Sorry. While Dragonfly does have the gaping plot holes of The Mothman Prophecies, it lacks Indrid Cold, and without Indrid what’s the point? Oh, and it’s not scary at all, unless you’re kind of freaked out by parrots, which I kind of am because, you know, they can talk. Anyway, I’m giving it 2-Griecos (see ratings). The ending is so ridiculous it almost makes the movie worth watching, but unfortunately Costner’s not as bas as he usually is (of course he’s not good either), so it’s kind of disappointing. Ultimately, I'm giving the movie an extra 1/2-Grieco because it made me miss Chicago’s Buena Park neighborhood, and I didn’t think anything could ever do that. Go Cubs, and give my love to the lady who smells of piss and wears black lipstick all over her face.

The Funniest Movie Ever Made

2006-06-20T16:36:00.000-05:00

It’s not often that I go to a theater and laugh my ass off for almost the entire length of the movie. Even some of the best comedies struggle at times. However, this weekend I got a chance to see what I believe might be the funniest film ever.

Tokyo Drift
Your refusal to drift disgusts me. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you. You’re out on the road driving mommy’s precious car, and you’re not even thinking about drifting. You’re a fucking coward.

Open on Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights/Sling Blade/Fight the Future fame. He’s an outcast; A poor kid in a rich kid’s world. Only way to handle it is to drag race against the kid who played the oldest son on that Tim Allen show whose title eludes me for some reason. Oh that’s right, ‘cause it totally sucked ball. Anyway, Lucas is racing against this once and future douchebag for a date with the bag’s girl. Seriously, after some talk about racing for “pinks,” the girl says “why don’t you race for me?” After some cars are totaled and this house that’s under construction gets destroyed, Lucas gets shipped off to Tokyo to stay with his estranged Navy officer dad. Within one day of being in Tokyo, Lucas meets Bow-Wow (no longer so l'il), a hot chick of questionable ethnic lineage, and a detached Japanese/American mentor who gives Lucas his prized car to race against the nephew of famed Yakuza boss. The problem is, Lucas can’t drift, and apparently if you can’t drift in Japan you’re screwed, because all of the roads are just crazy. After Lucas destroys the mentor’s car, the mentor takes the young yank under his wing and teaches him how to drift, and more importantly, how to live…man. Anyway, turns out the hot vaguely Hispanic/Australian girl is the girlfriend of the Yakuza nephew, and when Lucas tries to make his move, all hell breaks loose. Eventually, the mentor, who is screwing the Yakuza over, gets killed by the nephew in a twenty-minute down and dirty drift-fest/chase/explosion. It’s pretty awesome. Then, the nephew comes after little Lucas, but to settle things and to avoid the mistakes of his father, Lucas faces his problems and, meets with the Yakuza boss, and asks the old man to sanction a race that will send the loser (either Lucas or the nephew) away from Tokyo forever. Impressed by the white kid’s moxie, the Yakuza boss agrees. Lucas borrows a car that his dad was working on, you know an old beat up model that had “potential,” tricks it out with some fine product placement parts, and prepares to race on a mountainside that requires insane drifting skills. However, like the K-12 in Better Off Dead, only one man has ever successfully drifted the mountain. Yep, the nephew. Well, another bold race ensues, the nephew survives a horrific tumbling off of the mountainside, and Lucas drifts to victory becoming the new drift hero of Tokyo and reconnecting with his dad in the process. Then, as he lords over the underground drift scene he is challenged to a race by Vin Diesel, making a strained and awkward cameo. Credits.

What can I say? I loved this picture. I didn’t even hit on the fact that Lucas, for some reason, goes to a high school where only Japanese is spoken by the teachers even though he doesn’t speak Japanese and there are like fifty American schools in Tokyo, or any of the dance party-intercut-with-drifting montages.

Tokyo Drift has the worst dialogue I have ever heard. Now, I know I’m a lover of hyperbole, but I have gone over all of the shitty movies (yes, even the ones on SciFi) that I've watched, and I can’t think of one that has worse dialogue. Like every other line is “there’s an old Japanese saying…” You will laugh out loud many times simply when these kids open their mouths. My only problem with the movie is that there isn’t enough racing. Act II devolves into this terrible love story, which is hilarious, and there’s a sexy night-drifting scene, but come on. I want to see Japanese hipsters racing and doing insane drifting donuts around some sort of sentient robot billboard that simultaneously sells cola and panties. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. Despite my need for more, Tokyo Drift delivered, and I want everybody to see it. I’m giving it 3 ¼-Griecos (see ratings). It’s a bold new rating for a bold new picture. I would’ve given it 3 ½, but there’s an implied rape scene, and while that’s not as bad as a gratuitous rape scene, it’s still king of gratuitous. But it doesn’t alter my opinion that this is probably the most important film of the summer.

DTLMF!

(note: poor Obidiah got dragged to this movie by TGOGS and me and had a very different opinion. I eagerly await her response.)

A Sexy New Grieco

2006-06-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

I'm back, y'all. There was a time when I cared about telling the public about the works of Grieco and other films that almost defy description. Well, that time is here again. No longer will the people waste away in the darkness as films such as Raptor Island and Schindler's List go unwatched. OK, Schindler's List is still totally going unwatched. I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, I know change can be scary, so please take today to get used to the new look of GIK. There are some new links that you should check out, as well. The Grieco fansite is fantastic and "Monkey Chow Diaries" has already inspired an up-and-coming GIK entry. I'm sorry I've neglected the site, and you, my fellow warriors, for so long. I ask for your forgiveness, and I swear it will never happen again.

Thanks to Sherpa for all of her help with the makeover, both of the site and of my soul. Oh man, I love prescription cough syrup.

Under Construction

2006-06-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

I realize that GIK hasn't been the same in a while. There are fewer posts and almost no movie reviews. Well, it's because I've been spending way too much time on my "real" jobs. That's gonna change, my friends. I'm getting rid of one of my real jobs, and focusing up on Grieco once again. In the coming days, look for some bold changes to GIK and for some bold pieces. I intend to to tug at your heart...and your mind. Also, I still have to watch Abominable. Can you believe I haven't checked that shit out yet? Disgraceful.

Go Mavs! (They're gonna get it back together.)

Take 'em in 5

2006-06-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

I'm too angry about the Mavs game to talk about Grieco. Even basketball related Grieco type films such as The 6th Man starring Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne, not Dwayne Wade) as some sort of ghost who leads a team to victory won't help. I'll be back tomorrow. Go Mavs. Avenge me.

Sweet Winnie Cooper

2006-06-12T10:50:00.000-05:00

I caught about the last five minutes of a SciFi channel piece entitled Path of Destruction. From the description on my guide and the various fake newscasts that occur at the end of the picture, I gathered that it invoves some sort of cloud of nanotechnology that takes on a life of its own and sets out to destroy Mankind. You know how nanotechnology is; always hellbent on one thing or another. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of the ragtag band of would-be warriors doing battle with the evil cloud, and the main one was a spunky young newswoman played by Danica McKellar. That's right. Winnie Cooper. Now, "West Wing" fans were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of little Winnie all grown up, but if you're looking for another way to relive your childhood fantasy of comforting sweet Winnie out in the woods after she gets the news about her brother dying in 'Nam, check out Path of Destruction. Look, I only saw five minutes, but I guarantee it's a 3-Grieco (see ratings) film. I mean, there's a cloud of nanotechnology wreaking havoc on the planet. That's good stuff, y'all. Oh, and in real life, Danica McKellar discovered some sort of math theorem or something, and that's just totally effing hot.

Interview With a Grieco

2006-06-07T23:36:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about the perfect way to celebrate reaching 100 posts. I thought maybe I could go back and watch some of the earlier GIK films to see if they still hold up, but I realized that that would involve all kinds of Julia Stiles and I just can’t put myself through that. Then, I thought about coming up with a list of the 100 worst movies of all time. But if GIK has taught me anything, it’s that there are so many horrible movies I’ve yet to discover, so the list would be incomplete. Finally, I realized that the best way to celebrate 100 posts of Grieco was to celebrate the man himself. Sure, I could have done some research to find out about his life, but I have no interest in timelines. I want to get to the heart of Grieco, and the only way to do that is to interview him…or at least to concoct an interview in my mind:

#5: Dick, thanks for being here.

Grieco: My pleasure. You should really think about trimming your eyebrows. You know, really getting them down to a nice racing stripe.

#5: When I’m out on the streets talking to the people, the one question on everybody’s mind is, “When is Grieco going to drop If Looks Could Kill II on us?”

Grieco: (chuckling) I know, I know. Look, you can’t just crank out a sequel to a picture like that.

#5: It’s been 15 years.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: Talk to me about Die, Die, Die.

Grieco: What can you say about Evigan? “My Two Dads,” right? With the Judge?

#5: Did---

Grieco: She was tough but fair, you know?

#5: Yes. Yes she was.

Grieco: (crying) Why do the great ones always die so young?

#5: She was like 80.

Grieco: Exactly.

#5: OK. I’m going to throw out some words and phrases, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Grieco: Pudding!

#5: Um…Let’s start now---

Grieco: Pudding is fucking awesome!

#5: Yeah. OK. Johnny Depp.

Grieco: Damn handsome.

#5: Book of Days.

Grieco: Incendiary.

#5: The Legend of Samhain.

Grieco: Cocaine.

#5: Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Grieco: Road head from a Polynesian circus freak on the way to the set of a softcore starring three mimes and my agent’s nephew…or A Night at the Roxbury.

#5: What’s next?

Grieco: Great American novel. It’s about a family dealing with drought and poverty in the Dust Bowl during the Depression. That. And werewolves. There’s lots of werewolves.

#5: Grieco.

Grieco: (pause) Son. Brother. Warrior. Lover. King. All of us.

#5: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

Grieco: No problem. So, are there gonna be strippers or what?

The Votes Are In: Resultathon II: The Reckoning

2006-06-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of you who cast your vote and helped me decide which movie to move to the top of my Netflix list. If you didn't vote, you can still check out the descriptions to see what you passed on, and you can curse yourself for the rest of your days for missing out on such an incredible opportunity.

Face the Evil: No Contest II: Access Denied starring the great Lance "Bishop" Henriksen came out on top. However, I am intrigued by all of the other films on the list, so those of you who voted for The Ape and Revenge of the Red Baron should not despair, for those pictures shall find a home on GIK some day. Just as I did last time we had the Netflix vote, I can only assume that you have all seen Point Doom starring Grieco (and Dice Clay) and that's why it received no votes, because seriuosly that's twice now that Grieco has been shut out on a site named in his honor. Although, come to think of it, that somehow makes him even more Grieco in my eyes.

Just a note: Today is GIK's 100th post. Soon, we will celebrate with a bold look back and a bolder look forward. Thank you all for keeping this thing going for so long.

Many Many More Movies

2006-06-02T03:18:00.000-05:00

Now that I've seen Blind Horizon and Karate Dog, I feel it's time to turn to you, dear readers, once more. My Netflix queue is in need of some changing. Which one of these films should move to the top of the list?

Point Doom
Grieco and Dice Clay in the same film. There's also something about a love triangle and fleeing the city or something like that. Who cares? Grieco and Dice Clay battle it out over the same chick. That's every woman's fantasy, right? (also stars Ice-T and Angie Everhart)

Revenge of the Red Baron
A young Toby Maguire and an old Mickey Rooney have to fight off a model plane that is possessed by the spirit of the Red Baron. Seems that old Mick killed the Baron back in WWI. Also seems that a cheap puppet plays the spirit of the Baron. (this was suggested by a friend of mine who swears it's the worst film he's ever seen.)

Face the Evil: No Contest II: Access Denied
That's the best fucking title ever. Oh, and it's got Lance Henriksen, Shannon Tweed, an art gallery heist, and some stolen Nazi nerve gas.

The Ape
Nothing I can say compares to the description they use to actually try to sell this piece of shit. Here it is:

"Determined to write the next great American novel, family man Harry Walker (James Franco, also directing his feature film debut) leaves his job as a corporate scrub, moves out of his house and rents an apartment to help him focus. But when he unexpectedly discovers he has a roommate -- a trash-talking gorilla with an affinity for Hawaiian shirts -- Harry's plans go down the drain. Brian Lally portrays the scatological simian." (From Netflix)

Please let me know what I should check out first. Voting will last through Monday. Have a good weekend. Go Mavs!

And Chevy Chase as the Voice of Cho Cho

2006-05-31T11:38:00.000-05:00

While I was watching The Karate Dog (I actually prefer just Karate Dog) lat night, a friend of mine asked The Ghost of Gene Siskel and me if we would take roles in a picture like TKD. Our answer? A resounding “hell yes!” Believe me, I would come to the set just happy to be alive and working in the biz. And let’s be honest, taking on a part in Karate Dog seems like a natural progression from telephone psychic, menu hander-outer, door-to-door stuffed bunny salesman, and barista. So, yes I would love to be in Karate Dog. Did I love watching it? Well, that’s a different question altogether.

The Karate Dog
We open with Pat Morita (RIP) breaking into a sciencey type place and stealing a vile of green liquid. He then goes home and starts chatting with his dog, Cho Cho, who has no problem chatting back. Soon, ninjas break in, kill Morita, and run off with the Midori or whatever the hell is in the vile, but not before Cho Cho lays down some really disturbing CGI Kung Fu. Cho Cho then gets rescued by a nerdy cop who’s working on a police computer program called C.O.L.A.R. (Yep. It’s that type of film.) Together, the cop and the dog will find the man responsible for Morita’s death. Enter Jon Voight as Morita’s former student. He sports an awesome ponytail and a southern accent that’s part Phil Hartman’s Bill Clinton and part Foghorn Leghorn with some perfect facial expressions to match his well placed stutters. Voight’s entrance prompted TGOGS to ask, “Is he the worst good actor in the world or the best bad actor?” It’s a question that clearly can’t be answered by mortals, but I did suggest that maybe he’s the best good actor in the world, but he’s just gotten real lazy. Anyway, the fat kid who plays Billy Bob in Varsity Blues plays Voight’s son, so it was nice to see those two reunited. Meanwhile, the nerdy cop is falling in love with Jaime Pressly. This leads to a cringe-worthy Cyrano de Bergerac scene in which the dog feeds the cop romantic lines via his earpiece. I can’t say anything else about this scene that hasn’t already been said about a steaming pile of monkey feces. So, of course Voight is the bad guy. It turns out that the green liquid is a performance enhancing drug that Voight’s been giving to dogs at the dog track in order to cash in on underdogs (sorry). But now he’s ready to take the formula to the people. From there, the movie devolves into your typical anti-steroids/pro-talking dog buddy cop action comedy. Eventually, Cho Cho and Voight engage in a Matrixesque Kung Fu battle that recalls The Highlander. The dog wins, the cop and Jaime Pressly kiss, and Cho Cho is a hero!

When Karate Dog started, there were four of us watching it. In the end, it was just me, y’all. Before he headed out, TGOGS suggested that you could hear the pills in Chevy Chase’s voice. However, as I continued to watch, I concluded that that is simply what regret sounds like. You should see this film. It has to go down as one of the most ridiculous movies ever made, and Voight is truly spectacular. However, the main guy is almost unbearable, the CGI dog is just creepy, and seeing Pat Morita in his weakened condition was very sad. And Chevy…oh Chevy. You were Fletch, my friend. Where did it all go wrong? Whoever she is, she must have screwed you up something fierce.

Anyway, I’m giving The Karate Dog 2 ½-Griecos (see ratings). Watch it, but feel free to fast forward to the scene when Voight enters in some sort of bold Silver Kimono/Native American jacket. That’s when the shit really starts going down.

Why Do You Hate Krull?

2006-05-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

The results from the best ‘80s fantasy vote are in. Here’s how it broke down:

Labyrinth: 2

Neverending Story: 2

Dark Crystal: 1

Flashdance: 1 write-in vote

Bruce Boxleitner's Snakehead Terror: 1 write-in vote

Legend (Both Versions): 0

Krull: 0

(Note: I did catch some abuse for leaving out The Last Unicorn.)

I have to admit, I’m a little surprised. Not by Krull’s performance. I mean I realize that the Glave doesn’t hold sway over all men’s souls as it does over mine. I’m not even surprised by Flashdance, because I know for that particular voter that movie is truly the ultimate ‘80s fantasy. I’m surprised that The Dark Crystal didn’t perform better. I honestly thought it would win this thing, but I suppose the power of the luck dragon and of Bowie’s package were just too much.

I would like to thank BTS for introducing Ice Pirates into the discussion. It’s a bold piece that I must revisit as an adult. I also would like to encourage any new readers to GIK to feel free to vote on the nonsense I put up here. I promise we’re all very nice.

Now, for the big news; you all know that I’ve been plagued by the fact that Karate Dog simply hasn’t been available on Netflix. Well, last night it was on ABC family, and you know I taped it. Look for an in depth review sometime this week. In the mean time, I encourage you to revisit the plot to get truly prepared.

I hope everyone had a good long weekend, and I hope you’re ready for some serious effing Grieco this week.

We Know Your Legend's Ree-ee-al

2006-05-26T01:00:00.000-05:00

Opening night of Talent Show 1989 went very well. Now that it's up and running I can finally return my focus to GIK. I have some potential hits waiting on my DVR, and my mom just sent me a new batch of DVDs, and you know she always sends at least one Grieco-worthy picture in the lot. I don't want to give too much away, but I will say that I plan on spending this afternoon watching SciFi channel's watered down version of Abominable, which I don't think is really a sequel to Sasquatch, but Lance Henrikson does make an appearance in both. Speaking of Lance Henrikson, please check out his imdb breakdown. It's perhaps the greatest collection of titles I have ever seen. I mean the man is working on Pumpkinhead III and IV simultaneously, and that says nothing of Red Faction II or Dream Warrior aka A Man Called Rage.

If you haven't already done it, cast your vote for best '80s fantasy piece, for tomorrow is the last day to do so. Enjoy the three day weekend, and look for GIK to be back in full swing on Tuesday.

Word.

Shameless Plug #2

2006-05-24T10:01:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all. The voting on the best '80s fantasy piece has been a little slow going. Right now, The Dark Crystal and The Neverending Story are battling it out with one vote each. I realize that summertime is upon us and folks are busy learning to love again, so I'll keep the voting open for the remainder of the week. In the meantime, I just want to let everyone know that a play wrote, Talent Show 1989, opens tomorrow night at the Play Theatre. If you're in the Austin area come check it out. You can also listen to an interview I did for the show along with GIK regulars Sherpa and Obidiah on KUT 90.5. It airs all this week in the morning on John Aielli's show.

Alright, now get to voting. Krull needs your support.

Tangerine Dream

2006-05-22T11:25:00.000-05:00

I have loved the movie Legend for most of my life. I mean it has everything you could ever want in a film; a young wide-eyed Cruise with long hair, a short tunic, and the belief that he would someday conquer the world; sweet Mia Sara who as Sloan in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and in my mind many, many times taught me what it was to be a man; and Tim Curry playing Darkness, who is perhaps the most metal incarnation of a Satan figure ever captured on film, and it’s Tim Curry, so even underneath all of the makeup you can catch glimpses of Wadsworth and Dr. Frank-n-Furter. So, I finally got around to watching the director’s cut of Legend this weekend. It restores several scenes that were cut, and perhaps most importantly, it nixes the Tangerine Dream score for the original (Note: The original score was only used for the European release.). Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the semi-prog-synth journey that is Tangerine Dream, but the other score really makes Legend a totally different movie. It restores a classic fairy tale quality to it that’s just not there in the other version. The added scenes also fill in some huge plot holes, and the less-than-super-happy ending is far superior to the original rush job that they pulled. Now, I’m not going to turn my back on the version that I have loved all of these years, but I will say that any fan of Legend really needs to check out the new cut.

Alright, that brings us to the subject of today. While I was watching the new Legend, I tried to figure out what my favorite fantasy movie of that era was. There are several that I believe are closely linked in style, tone, and awesomeness, but I just can’t settle on one. I have created a list, and I would like your votes. Oh, apologies to the Twins and I’m sure many others, because The Last Unicorn doesn’t make my list. I’m sorry. It’s a girl movie. There, I said it. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

Here’s the list:

Labyrinth
It’s got Bowie. It’s also got a young Jennifer Connelly, who like Mia Sara had a huge impact on my youth. It has some bold songs, great puppets, and Hoggle. Hoggle, y’all.

Legend (either version)
I know many of you probably haven’t seen the version I covered today, but the original still kicks ass.

Krull
The Glave, the fire steeds, the Cyclops. Krull is underrated and sadly most people I know haven’t seen it. It rips off Tolkien at every corner, and I’m pretty sure it was made for coke money, bit it’s still truly bold.

The Never Ending Story
Oh Bastian, just say her damn name. The Nothing is coming, and that can’t be good (or can it Obadiah?) In order to stop the Nothing and save Fantasia, the dorkiest hero ever put on film must join forces with Atreyu and a ragtag band of special FX. This is a classic, and the fact that you can tell it’s poorly dubbed because it was originally made by some Eastern Europeans makes it even cooler.

The Dark Crystal
Oh man. This movie is still awesome. I think it’s the most dramatic of the lot, and I think it’s trying to answer the larger questions. It also has some of the greatest puppets ever created. However, it’s so hypnotic at times that it can lull you to sleep.

That’s the list. I know there are more out there, and feel free to bitch about stuff I left off, but please vote on the list as given, it will really help me out.

Zombie Rave

2006-05-18T01:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when that hallowed orb Luna gives way to that sonofabitch the sun, I awake to the horrid sounds of the alarm clock. In my half-waking state, I imagine that I’m getting out of bed to go to work on the set of a live-action movie version of Galaga. Then, I realize that I work from home and that the alarm clock isn’t for me at all, so I quickly close my eyes and go back to sleep for another four hours. Eventually, when I do roll out of bed, the thoughts of video-game-based movies still linger in my head. Such was the case when I decided to watch House of the Dead.

House of the Dead
The movie is based on a first-person shooter of the same name. I have played it many times in the little movie theater arcade, and I really like it. There’s nothing quite like gripping a plastic machine gun in your hands and firing off rounds at zombies that keep popping up out of nowhere. Watching the movie is another story.

The film opens with one of those voiceover/still-shots introduction of the characters. Some might call this device Brechtian; others would say it’s the work of a talentless hack. Regardless, we meet a bunch of rich 20-somethings. One is a girl who used to date the main guy, but they broke up so he could focus on work and she could focus on her fencing. Seriously, that’s why they broke up. Anyway, there are some other fairly attractive folks and they all want to get to a rave on an island off of Washington or somewhere. They charter a boat captained by Jurgen Prochnow and his mate Clint Howard who clearly are the only ones who know how ridiculous this thing is. Prochnow smokes cigars while killing zombies like no one else, and Howard sports a hook-hand and bizarre vocal choices so you know he’s doing the work.

Cut to the rave. The main guy is already on the island and imbibes in alcohol with the other ravers. OK, as someone who spent a little time at raves (Kind Effect, y’all) I’m always offended by the way raves are depicted in movies like this. I mean where is the pasty emaciated kid who sucks on his pacifier that says “Daddy’s Little Girl” while desperately trying to score some Vitamin C or Vicodin to “kick the X back in?” (Note to young and old readers: X is what those of us who have reached or are about to reach 30 call E.)

Cut back to the ship. The others finally arrive at the rave, but nobody’s there. Nobody that is except for zombies! Eventually, they run into the main voiceover guy and learn what’s going on: Zombies rule the island. There’s then a sepia-toned flashback involving a mad Spaniard whose experiments led to his banishment from Spain and an unholy army of reanimated corpses. And yep, you guessed it; he’s still on the island after all of these centuries. As the zombies kill random C-listers, the main C-listers fight back. As they shoot the walking corpses, the film is intercut with scenes from the video game. I honestly have no idea what the desired effect of this is. It’s just baffling. Finally, the zombies are dead and the Spaniard reveals himself with blade in hand. Luckily, our skilled fencer (remember her?) finds a sword and battles it out in a Matrix-inspired bullet-time finale. Amidst the death of the already-dead, love blossoms and our couple gets back together, work and fencing practice be damned!

OK. I think this movie wanted to be Evil Dead II. The main kid even looks a little like a young Bruce Campbell, but believe me he’s no Bruce Campbell. The whole picture misses the boat entirely. Everyone just looks kind of confused but really psyched about getting work. I’m giving it 1 ½-Griecos (see Ratings). The ½-Grieco is for Prochnow and Howard. Go play the game, watch your copy of Army of Darkness, and start writing a Galaga movie I can star in.

Shameless Plug

2006-05-16T10:49:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all.

Please check out my book The Guardian and The Shroud: Jack Rat's First Adventure. It's being carried by literaryroad.com. You can also listen to me ramble on about the book at http://blog.literaryroad.com/

It's a bold kids' piece and it's pretty metal. Thanks, and tomorrow I'll return to Grieco.

I Pull Out My Beretta

2006-05-12T01:58:00.000-05:00

Whilst in LA, I had the chance to get fully caught up on Trapped in the Closet. I had watched parts 1-7 on BET, but I had no idea that the midget (sorry, little person) would go on to shit himself and that the Southern wife of the cop who was banging Sylvester’s wife was actually pregnant with the midget’s (sorry, little person’s) baby. I should have given y’all a spoiler alert. I apologize. Anyway, there is nothing I can say that will give Trapped in the Closet its full due. It may be the most amazing thing ever made in any medium. The sheer egomania/mild-retardedness/oddly-proficient-vocal-talent that R. Kelly needed to take on all of the roles and make the other actors lip synch is just amazing. The insurmountable plot holes, the detailed recounts of every little thing that happens (i.e. “She said “damn,” I said “damn”), the way it seems to be either 30 minutes or 4 hous long, and the fact that every choice that is made both by the filmmakers and the characters is wrong but somehow seem so right make this one of the most entertaining musicals/operas/soaps/movies/videos/TV shows you will ever see. All that, and it’s set in Chicago.

A question of Griecos is out of the question. An entire site would need to be created and a new rating system would have to be mulled over for ages to truly score this piece. However, I am interested to know what will happen in "Part 13" and beyond. I have some thoughts, and I need your opinion.

A. Sylvester and the gang are visited by aliens. It turns out that the aliens are the ones who actually impregnated the redneck girl, causing the cop’s head to explode as he smokes his 15th cigarette of the film. To get a handle on the situation, Sylvester pulls out his gun and kills the lot of them.

B. Sylvester’s wife turns out to be the one responsible for setting up the preacher and the deacon. It also turns out that she lured her friend (the preacher’s wife) into sleeping with Sylvester, through a miracle of science she knocked up the redneck girl, and through her powers of telepathy she caused the midget (fuck off) with the big dick to shit himself. Astounded by his woman’s Machiavellian scheme, Sylvester pulls out his gun and kills the lot of them.

C. It’s all in Sylvester’s mind, rendering everything I have sat through completely and utterly useless. Pissed that “R.” would stoop to pulling a Shyamalan, I pull out my imaginary gun and pretend to shoot that bastard Adrian Grenier. I know that’s got nothing to do with anything, but I really hate that guy.

D. Other (Please elaborate).

Submit your thoughts, and if you have any idea when the next round will be out you must let me know.

L. Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron Away

2006-05-10T11:23:00.000-05:00

I’m back from LA, and I’ve learned a few things. First, they’re not lying about the weather out there. It truly is perfect. Second, Scientologists are really fucking scary. I know everybody jokes about it and we all think Cruise has gone off the deep end, but until you’ve stared it in the face I don’t know if you can fully appreciate it. I saw the Celebrity Center, which is everything you’d expect: A resort-style castle surrounded by greenery, sports cars, and perfectly veneered teeth. The center for “normal” folks is not so fancy. When I first passed it I gave out an uncontrollable scream of horror like when Damian sees the church in The Omen. I don’t know what it was, but I felt as though all the Darkness of the world resided within those walls. The building is massive, complete with high-rise dormitories (you know for the people who live there), a barbecue/meeting area (you know for fresh meat), and a giant cross overlooking a pavilion (you know for striking fear into the hearts of men). The whole compound was in a tizzy while I was there, because the anniversary (50th? 1000th?) of the publishing of Dianetics was approaching, and there was a great event to plan. Driving past the blinking NBA-arena-style sign that promised to rid me of stress and anxiety, we came upon the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum. OK, in case you skimmed over that, here it is again. The Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum. Now, my tour guide through the peaks and valleys of Hollywood (you know him as Anonymous) told me that the Scientologists owned much of the area we were in, so although a building might be called “The Philosophical Research and Regeneration Center” (or something like that), the Scientologists could very well own it. I’m sure the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum was theirs. After all, Cruise did tell us that psychiatry is a “pseudo-science” and that he knows the history of it and you don’t Matt Lauer so suck on that. Look, I don’t want to get into a debate over the merits of psychiatry here, but regardless of your feelings, the name of that museum is just scary as shit. In order to cope with my growing stress and anxiety, I went to In and Out Burger and then hit MI: III. What? You think I’m gonna miss that movie just because Cruise is batshit crazy and he supports an evil cult hell-bent on world domination? Please. What do you take me for?

MI: III
I know I don’t normally review new movies, but since it’s summer blockbuster season I’ll probably be making some exceptions. OK, I saw MI: III in the Dome, which might be the greatest theater ever conceived by Man. You have reserved seats, the screen wraps around the wall (but it’s not like seeing a normal movie on IMAX where everyone’s pores are really big), the digital projection/sound are unmatched, and Robert Downey Jr. was hanging out, and that guy totally just worked with Kilmer. As for the film, it has everything you’d expect: Cruise running, laughing, jumping, laughing, and having an awkward love scene; Ving Rhames making deep-voiced wisecracks; some hot chicks; rubber masks; and serious plot holes. The most disappointing aspect of the movie is that Phillip Seymour Hoffman is tragically underused. He’s totally awesome from the second he comes on screen, but they needed to give him like at least 30 more minutes. (note to director J.J Abrams: we get it; Cruise and his girlfriend are really in love. Jesus, now get back to PSH and some explosions.) (Another note to J.J. Abrams: I swear to God if they show another rerun of "Lost" I will hold you responsible and I will personally come back to Hollywood to hunt you down and destroy you using only a polar bear, a wheelchair, and the abs of sweet Evangeline Lilly.) Sorry, back to the movie. So, Crudup does alright and the "Shaun of the Dead" guy is funny, but Laurence Fishburne gives one of the most baffling, misguided performances since The Matrix Revolutions. While I was entertained, I found myself longing for MI: I, Jon Voight, and the NOC List. Seriously, where the hell is the NOC list?

The movie doesn’t really fall into the standard GIK rating system, so I’ll give it 2 ½ Lord Xenus. It’s worth checking out, but you could just as easily stay home and read up on silent birth.

The Land of Grieco

2006-05-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all, I'm heading out to LA for a few days to make it big and generally keep it real. I shall return on Wednesday with tales of Grieco and reviews of movies. Yes, I will finally start reviewing movies again. Meanwhile, please feel free to go back to the beginning and relive all the good times we've had together.

And on the 8th day, God created Grieco and said that it was badass.

Will It Stop the Rage, Michael?

2006-05-01T04:54:00.000-05:00

First, I just want to thank The Ghost of Gene Siskel for stepping in and knocking it out of the park. I now realize that every day that I don’t see Savage Dawn is a day lived as a coward.

Anyway, it’s good to be back. Now, those of you who know me most likely realize that I have a seemingly endless capacity for getting pissed off about things that really aren’t worth getting angry about at all. Over the past year or so I have tried to tone down the rage, but that’s really just so my lovely girlfriend won’t be afraid of me. However, there are a few things happening right now that must be talked about.

The Miami Vice Remake
OK, I can accept the fact that no one is even bothering to come up with new ideas in Hollywood, but if you’re gonna bring "Miami Vice" to the screen, you set it in the fucking ‘80s. This is a TV show that was conceived, written, and directed by cocaine. Now, you (yes you, Michael Mann) are going to come in with this “gritty” piece about undercover work? Please. Let me guess, do the cops (I refuse to even refer to them as Crockett and Tubbs) get in too deep? I saw some photos and everything is all grey and black. If ocean blue and coral aren’t in the costume design, why are you even bothering to call it Miami Vice? Is anyone even going to utter the word “cartel” or “Panamanian shrimper?” I know that some be-vested yuppie with feathered hair and the mustache to match is not going to make sweet love to a chick in a neon-green high-cut bikini on the lower deck of a speed yacht , and that’s just sickening. And Collin Farrell? Please. That man is not worthy to hold Don Johnson’s dick mid piss. I call for a GIK boycott of this picture. That’ll show ‘em. You hear that Mike? You just lost like $30.

The Omen Remake
Yes, I know I harp on remakes, but this one is disgraceful. The Omen is one of the greatest horror films out there. If you haven’t seen it, there is a good chance that you have absolutely no idea what life’s about. Now, I saw a preview for the new one and it looks as thought their basically using the original screenplay, but they’re throwing in some spooooky devil imagery like hooded figures appearing in the mirror and shit. Oh, and Julia Stiles is taking on the lead female role. Julia Stiles, people! That girl isn’t worthy to hold Lee Remick’s boosh mid wax. And, I think Damian is an American kid. As if we don’t all know that the Antichrist is a pale young Brit (or at least a Russian).

Carlos Mencia
There’s nothing I love more than comedians who tell you how offensive they are before they make a joke. Through the non-stop commercials that Comedy Central shows for this douchebag’s show and the one time I couldn’t lunge for the remote quickly enough, I have heard the great Carlos utter phrases like “get your hate mail ready.” Yeah dude, you’re incendiary. Your observations about how black guys date white girls and how gay men are into other men are really fucking insightful. Bring me the head of Carlos Mencia! This guy is not worthy of licking Carrot Top’s taint mid bench-press.

Gatorade
Y’all remember the good old days when you could walk into a 7-11 and all you had to choose between was green Gatorade and orange Gatorade? Maybe the fancy stores introduced fruit punch (red) into the mix, but that was it. Now, sweet lord! There’s a flavor for every force of nature. And I don’t care what you say, every new version; whether it’s rain, frost, ice, maelstrom or whatever, it all tastes like either green or orange Gatorade but slightly watered down. That volleyball girl (Keri Walsh) in the “Rain” commercials is kind of hot, though.

Alright, I could get into some other stuff like calling yourselves Journey when Steve Perry isn’t in the band or Hollywood’s refusal to produce my piece about an explosives expert who moonlights as a special-ed teacher, but I’ll save that for another time. Besides, the painkillers are starting to kick in and I’m not quite as angry as I was a few minutes ago…hey look, a "Sex and the City" rerun. God I love those four whores and their totally realistic escapades through the wasteland that is New York. I mean any city that Derek Jeter calls home must be awesome. That gum-smacking, shit-eating prick is my favorite.

TGOGS

2006-04-27T09:24:00.000-05:00

The Ghost of Gene Siskel here, coming off the bench for #5 as he finishes up his month of silence at the Greater Pflugerville Buddhist Meditation Zone. I humbly thank him for the guest slot; for the rest of you, I have a question. Have you ever purchased a videocassette at Goodwill because it had the most evocative, enticing cover you’ve ever seen? If so, you, like me, probably picked up this gem.

The thing about the cover, though, is that the futuristic, Star Wars-inspired artist’s rendering belies the gritty, workaday action flick that lies within. Someone in Marketing must have realized this, for I’ve found two alternate versions on the net, neither as compelling as the one above. But enough about the outer facade – let’s get up in the guts of the film itself:

SAVAGE DAWN
This 1989 picture opens with badass loner Stryker (artfully portrayed by Lance Henrickson) fueling up his futuristic motorcycle (1) at a remote desert gas station, smoking right by the pump. Up rolls a motley crew of leather-clad bikers who proceed to harass a nice young lady and bully the owner. (I swore one of the bikers was Randy Quaid for half the film, and his little buddy bore a striking resemblance to Alan Cumming in Chicago, as noted by the lovely Obadiah. At any rate, they make for a powerful comic duo throughout.) Henrickson intervenes in the kerfuffle and the bikers turn on him, choosing to gang up on him in the classic one-dude-makes-a-clumsy-lunge-with-a-heavy-object-while-the-others-snarl-on-the-perimiter, waiting-their-turn style of combat. He kicks some ass, rides his bike over a station wagon and tears off toward the sleepy desert town of Agua Dulce. Upon arrival, he receives a less-than-warm welcome from the Sheriff, Deputy Joe-Bob (who moonlights as a take-all-comers brawler in the local saloon) and another deputy who is, yep, a midget. Then a local blonde comes up out of nowhere to lay a serious kiss on Henrickson, and the fuzz backs off. We learn that she’s his best friend’s daughter, who he hasn’t seen since she was a little girl. Her status as love-interest is immediately and creepily established. But who’s this best friend Stryker is seeking out? Why it’s George Kennedy, a wheelchair-bound weapons expert with whom Henrickson has apparently gone through some very dark and blood-soaked times (Special Ops?). Man. They sure are relieved that all that’s behind them now...

Or is it? (It isn’t.)

So the “Savages,” as the gang calls themselves, rumble into town, now in their full numbers, which are legion. Here we meet the leader of the pack, the dude who plays John Goodman’s sidekick in Raising Arizona (“Mighty fine cereal flakes, Ms. McDonough.”). He’s playing pretty much the same role, except meaner and bearded, with a limp. It’s great. The bikers start some trouble in the saloon, with this guy fighting Deputy Joe Bob and winning only when Cereal Flakes steps in to cheat. The bar wench, a drunken Karen Black, decides that now is a good time to say “screw this town” and hops on the back of Cereal Flakes’ bike as the gang rumbles away. Henrickson observes all, disgusted but passive.

And so it goes, bikers breaking shit and ripping girls’ shirts off while Henrickson suppresses his fighting instincts, until they mess with someone he cares about. It’s George Kennedy’s teenage son, who gets dragged behind a motorcycle and scuffed up pretty handily. Henrickson saves the kid and they hole up in Kennedy’s compound (no pun intended) on the outskirts of town to prepare for the all-out-war they know is coming. But instead of doing the obvious thing and equipping Henrickson’s bike with all manner of boss weaponry, Kennedy pieces together some sort of potato gun rocket launcher out of PVC pipe, tinfoil and a professional-grade explosive head which he evidently unscrewed from a real rocket launcher and duct-taped to his contraption. A few Savages come out to try to start shit, wielding chains, blades and a cordless drill, but Henrickson dispatches with them swiftly. And here I need to discuss a specific aspect of the fight choreography. I’m not certain that it happens in this scene, but I do know it happens. Henrickson, surrounded by thugs, dipping, dodging, outmaneuvering, outfoxing, in a moment of inspiration, grabs the most convenient makeshift weapon at hand, which happens to be a fucking rattlesnake, and stabs a dude in the neck with it. That’s the caliber work we’re dealing with.

As for the rest of the bad guys, they devise a scheme whereby a couple of hot biker chicks will saunter up to the gates of the local Army base (motto: “To Protect and Serve,” which I thought belonged to a different outfit, but never mind), seduce the dimwitted guards, and then bust in en masse. All goes according to plan, and they manage to steal a couple of tanks. Nobody ever comes after them for this, if you were wondering. And so the stage is set for the final showdown.

The pandemonium reaches a fever pitch in down town Agua Dulce. The Savages are getting down to some serious “partying,” including the cold-blooded murder of a barber who’s trying to spread the Gospel (played for laughs) and yet another biker harlot seducing the town’s preacher, who is also, for no reason, also the mayor (2). Now is the time when our heroes spring into action. Kennedy suggests that they sneak into town through the mines, which have never been mentioned up until this point. He and Henrickson do so and emerge in some sort of Chinese bodega – you see, there is now a large Chinese population in the town that appears to have been cut from the rest of the film but is integral to Act III. Not Americanized Chinese, mind you – they mill about in silken vestments and conical bamboo hats. They’ve even got their own hero, a young man who joins forces with Team Stryker. Welcome to the film, Chinese villagers!

So the blonde stages a diversion by attempting to usurp Cereal Flakes’ bitch seat from Karen Black. While the Savages hoot and holler at the ensuing cat fight, Kennedy sends the local retarded kid on what could be a suicide mission – taking his bomb-stuffed teddy bear over to one of the bikers’ tanks and leaving it there to explode. It’s a total close one, since the kid is retarded and all, but it works, the tank blows up and Kennedy starts taking shit out with his potato gun – bye, Alan Cumming. The Chinese guy gets into the mix, nobly attempting to justify his inclusion in the film. Finally, Henrickson shows up, kills Cereal Flakes and various supporting characters, and the remaining Savages bug out and the town is safe once more. Henrickson and blonde, sunset, credits.

As all GIK regulars know, there are bad movies that you struggle through and bad movies that you just can’t get enough of. Savage Dawn is definitely one of the latter. It moves pretty well and has all the right ingredients. The clichéd everything, gratuitous boob shots and cavalcade of B-list stars all coalesce to make this one of the finest crappy movies ever to have graced my shelf. I’m giving it 3 ½ Griecos (see ratings)– the extra ½ Grieco is for the fucking snake.

----

1The bike is the only thing remotely futuristic about the film – it’s kind of a precursor to the Kawasaki Ninja.

2This bit part is played by Richard Lynch, who receives billing on the poster while Henrickson gets none. He must be somebody – he has 151 credits to his name on imdb, none of which I’ve managed to see. No clue who he is, but I’m sure one of you dorks knows. Kev?

A Quick Thought on Grieco

2006-04-26T01:53:00.000-05:00

Grieco, like the Universe, is always expanding.

One Day 'til The Ghost of Gene Siskel.

Why Grieco? Why?

2006-04-25T04:03:00.000-05:00

Y'all remember when I used to review bad movies and talk about the crazy dreams I'd have? Man, those were good times. I am currently in the middle of a move and I have now officially worked 18 of the last 19 days, oft' until the wee hours o' the morn'. I knew this working from home shit would turn ugly at some point. In order to deal with the insanity, I will be bringing in The Ghost of Gene Siskel as a guest blogger at some point this week. He is a lover of bad cinema and a true American talent, so treat him nice. I have also sent various emails to various clients to tell them to fucking chill down, so hopefully I will be back to normal soon. I ask you to stay with me, not for myself, but for Grieco. Yeah, Grieco. All he ever wanted was to find a pretty dame and live the quiet life, but this crazy world never gave him nothin' but a ball of wax. Yeah, that's right, a ball of wax!

I'm gonna work some more and then go to bed.

Clip Show

2006-04-21T06:12:00.000-05:00

Work will be the death of me and the death of Grieco. I ask you to hang in there with me until the middle of next week. I know I said that last week, but I really mean it this time. Meanwhile, please check out these past posts that I believe will make you smile:

She's Runnin a Little Bit Hot Tonight

Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail

and my personal favorite, The Trytophan Parallel

And Grieco said to me, "those are the times when I was carrying you."

Mammoth Watch

2006-04-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

Well, my good friends at the SciFi channel are at it again. Mammoth is hitting the small screen this weekend, and with a tagline like "We hunted it to extinction, now it's hunting us" you know it's gonna be kickass. It also stars Tom Skerritt, a true believer in Grieco and a great American hero. Hell, let's see what the gifted people behind films such as Manticore, Minotaur, and Frankenfish had to say about their latest piece:

"When a meteor smashes into a Pleistocene museum, the fury of a partially frozen, 40,000-year-old mammoth is unleashed on a small country town.Under orders to contain the threat posed by the mammoth at all costs, Special Agents Powers (Leila Arcieri) and Whitaker (Marcus Lyle Brown) are given 17 hours to kill the mammoth or else the entire town will be decimated. The agents recruit local paleontologist Dr. Frank Abernathy (Vincent Ventresca) to help them hunt down the creature before its rampage of death and destruction reaches the outside world.With the clock ticking and the body count rising, the only chance Dr. Abernathy has of saving his daughter, Jack (Summer Glau), and B-movie-fanatic father, Simon (Tom Skerritt), is to help the agents destroy his life's work."

I'm pretty sure Marcus Lyle Brown was in SciFi's Locusts, so you know he's got the goods. Check it out if you have the chance, and pray that it ends with the birth of a baby Mammoth so we can all dream about, as The Ghost of Gene Siskel is fond of saying, the sequel that will never happen.

p.s. please try the links, I'm really proud I figured out how to do them.

And a Homecoming Queen

2006-04-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, I am heading out to LA in a couple of weeks to, you know, take the world by storm with my unique brand of hair-care products and exfoliates. Since I received my tickets, I’ve been having these bizarre daydreams about the trip. I’ll be working or watching the latest episode of “Cash in the Attic” with uber Brit Alistair Appleton and I’ll see myself at some LA party. I don’t know what I’m doing there, but I feel pretty at home. As I make my way from the bar to the indoor kiddy pool, I run into my good friend Corbin Bernson. He’s eating celery out of a papaya-flavored tortilla and talking to Parker Stevenson about a possible “Hardy Boys” remake. “You know, like the "Case of the Headless Magician" or some shit. We’ll get Corey Nemic to play the villain. I’ll direct. It’ll be fucking brilliant,” Bernson says as he greets me with a knowing nod. I nod back to Corbs and twist and turn my way through the crowd that is growing on the Plexiglass dance floor. I accidentally step on Tony Danza’s foot. He does an ape grunt, puts me in a headlock, yells “Samanther” and starts two-stepping with an ultra-buff Jonathan Lipnicki and that bitch Kimmy Gibler. I shake off the Danza encounter and head to the backyard. Kirk Cameron is atop a palm tree cursing all of the party-goers and decrying them as wicked sinners who will surely perish in the Fiery Furnace. In the middle of his sermon, the entire cast of Best of the Best 3 starts chanting “jump, jump, jump…” Soon, Kirk remembers a time when he thought the Good Book was actually "Tiger Beat," gives into the whims of the crowd, and leaps from the tree to land safely in the pool. This instantly causes others to follow suit and soon everyone is jumping in the pool fully clothed, splashing about, and listening to classic tunes of the ‘50s and ‘60s. Not wanting to get my Fila terrycloth jumpsuit wet, I head back inside and take the opportunity to makeout with a wasted Elizabeth Berkely who keeps yelling “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so scared,” but I don’t care because she’s totally Jesse Spano and Nomi Malone, and that’s wicked hot. Just as I am getting ready to ditch Berkley to try to score with the delightful Anne Hathoway (the closest thing to an A-lister at this thing), I hear his voice from across the room.
“You,” his voice cuts through me like a Glave. I turn to see Grieco standing over the onion dip and backlit like some kind of a god. He snaps his fingers and motions, no demands, that I join him.
“I read your shit, and I am not pleased.” His wax-thin eyebrows raise, his hair plugs spark, and he drops me with a shot to the nose. Grieco then starts to laugh and throws money at me on the ground just like in The Godfather.

Man, what an awesome daydream.

The Passion of The Grieco

2006-04-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

In honor of Good Friday and Easter, I thought it would be a great time to mock the religion of my birth with an insightful look at the film that reinvigorated Faith and brought an obscure Holocaust-denying sect of Catholicism to light. Oh Mel Gibson, where was your Nazi-loving “don’t go there Diane” father when you were filming that piece of shit Ransom? Anyway, here’s the deal. I haven’t actually seen The Passion of the Christ. I hear there’s like a nine-minute flogging scene, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s floggings that last more than say two, three minutes. I also know how it all turns out: Mary Magdalene is buried in the Louvre, right? Now, I’m not usually one to review a film that I haven’t seen, but I think it is OK here. For those of you who have braved this awe-inspiring piece, please correct me if I’m wrong.

The Passion of the Christ
OK. My mom loves Jim Caviezel, the guy who plays Jesus, so she sends me most of the movies he’s in. I’ve checked out Frequency and the very awesome Count of Monte Cristo, as well as some claptrap that he’s in with Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman. Anyway, he’s kind of generic but he’s not terrible, so I’m sure he knocks out the Aramaic thing alright. Let’s ignore the acting and all that anyway, and let’s get down to what really matters: the audience. If you remember, people fucking freaked out when this movie opened. Churches booked theaters for the entire day and bussed in blonde children, and the Protestants and the Catholics went on TV together and decided that they could finally be dicks about the same thing, and they said it was a wakeup call for Hollywood and that this film proved that Christians are a viable movie-going audience. Well, no shit. Don’t Christians make up like at least 80% of the fucking population? Who was it that was going to movies before? Just the heathens in NY, LA, and Chicago and the two Jewish guys who live in Nebraska? Yeah, your people are so oppressed and forced to see movies with violence other than flogging, and God forbid your kid might accidentally catch a glimpse of tit up there on the big screen.

So the Christians got all high and mighty for a change and told everybody to see this movie and that it was true to the Bible and the most real portrayal of the Passion ever, or at least I guess since The Oberramagau. Well, let’s take a look at that claim. First of all, the flogging bit is given about two to three lines in the Bible depending on which Gospel you're down with, so I guess even Mel knows you gotta “sex” things up a bit for the people. He is of course the man who made Braveheart, one of the most gratuitously violent, hook-in-the-balls movies I’ve ever seen. Second of all, Batshit Gibson based much of his work for The Passion on a book written by a Nun that many believe was insane and drew her conclusions not from the Bible or the Lord but from some crazy dude named Gene that liked to whisper in her ear. Alright, I don’t really know if his name was Gene. Third of all, I believe (let’s remember that I haven’t seen this thing) that there is a “Satan” figure that lurks in the shadows and has bugs or rodents or reptiles or some other lower beasts crawling around him at all times. Come on, that shit’s not in the Bible. Sure Lucifer makes that bold appearance in the desert and unleashes some truly metal type stuff in "Revelation," but he’s not like some villain in a Spiderman comic. Fourth of all, what the fuck? Seriously. I have no problem with making a movie about Jesus. I mean, God knows it beats a lot of the crap out there, and I do love happy endings. But people just acted like it was gonna change the world and film and all that, and it’s just the work of this guy who used to be kind of funny when he would play crazy but is now not so funny that he’s actually crazy. One good thing did come out of it, though. Left Behind III: World at War got a bigger budget on the heels of The Passion, so that’s cool. Anyway, sorry I took it down a notch today. I’ll get back to reviewing movies that matter next week. Oh, I’ll give The Passion 1-Grieco, but if you pray real hard you can turn that into enough Griecos to feed the entire crowd.